Starting the New Year Off on a Not-So-Positive Note

It’s never easy when you lose a friend. Although it is a little easier when you know why: they said things were over. Or they moved. Or they passed away. But those explanations don’t apply to my situation.

The girl that I was friends with two months ago, but I’m not friends with now, we had a miscommunication and she hasn’t spoken to me since. I’m not really sure what to think about that anymore.

I’ve tried to be mature about the whole thing. I text her Happy Thanksgiving. I text her Merry Christmas. And I’ll text her Happy New Year. I got nothing back from her with the first two texts, and I’m not really expecting to get anything back when I send her the next/last text in a couple days.

However, sometimes it comes to a point that you’ve done all you can and you have to bow out. And I think that’s what’s happening here. I can’t make her talk to me any more than I can make a blind person have 20/20 vision.

I don’t need the constant reminder of the miscommunication all over the place, and therefore I’ve made the decision that if I haven’t heard from her in some way by January 1st I’m going to remove her from my life. That means deleting her from Facebook and Twitter and Tumblr and my phone/iPod. There’s just no reason to leave her contact information there if she’s not willing to communicate with me.

Hand Bells

I cannot tell you how drastic the difference is between the first time and this time playing bells… But of course I shall try.

First rehearsal I went to I had to find my notes on the staff and couldn’t do it, my brain just fell apart and I cried. It was so incredibly frustrating for me because I knew my mom wanted me to play with her but I couldn’t do it.

When I got roped into it this time, this were a little (read: vastly) different. They told me to highlight my notes and not be afraid to make mistakes. Because in handbells, where only a couple of us were music majors in college, we are far from professionals. We do what we have to do to get through rehearsals with some laughter. And trust me, there’s usually plenty of laughing. Comments from the directors. Comments between the directors (btw, they’re married). Comments to the directors. Comments from one table to another. It’s a riot when we get started.

But I can honestly say that this time is tremendously more fun than the first time. And I think everyone is glad for that. I got a little Christmas card from the directors saying they appreciate that I’m ringing with them, and are really glad I gave them a second chance. (I had continuously told people I didn’t want to even try again after what happened the first time, but look where I am now lol.)

More Random Questions

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?
My best friend
2. Are you outgoing or shy?
Depends on the situation, and who I’m around
3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?
My best friend who comes home from school tomorrow
4. Are you easy to get along with?
Sometimes, but not always
5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?
I would certainly hope they would

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?
I’m not really into a certain type of people. I like who I like
7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?
Probably not
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?
My best guy friend
9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
Depends on who I’m talking with
10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
I honestly don’t remember

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?
Oh, I don’t think there’ll be a garage for parking
12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

  1. Run Run Rudolph – Kelly Clarkson
  2. Santa Baby – Kellie Pickler
  3. Mean – Taylor Swift
  4. Santa’s Got a Choo Choo Train – Blake Shelton
  5. Love Like Crazy – Lee Brice

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?
YES
14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?
I haven’t necessarily seen a miracle, but I believe in them
15. What good thing happened this summer?
I got to go on the summer mission trip with my old youth group

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Yes
17. Do you think there is life on other planets?
I don’t ever really think about that, so I don’t have an answer
18. Do you still talk to your first crush?
No
19. Do you like bubble baths?
Occassionally
20. Do you like your neighbors?
Most of them. Some I don’t know though

21. What are you bad habits?
Biting my lip. Signing what I’m/other people are saying. Talking too much.
22. Where would you like to travel?
England. Ireland. Scotland.
23. Do you have trust issues?
Sometimes. I’ve been burned in the past and don’t really need that happening to me again
24. Favorite part of your daily routine?
Crawling into bed at night
25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?
Stomach/arms/legs

26. What do you do when you wake up?
Check my social media, email, and texts
27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?
I’m perfectly fine the way my skin is
28. Who are you most comfortable around?
My close friends
29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?
One of them did. But he also looked at it logically and knows it was a good thing in the long run
30. Do you ever want to get married?
Yes

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?
Yes
32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?
I don’t think that’s something that needs to be discussed on this blog
33. Spell your name with your chin
k,astyyu
34. Do you play sports? What sports?
No
35. Would you rather live without TV or music?
I can’t live without either

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?
A couple times
37. What do you say during awkward silences?
I usually try not to talk
38. Describe your dream girl/guy?
Dark blonde/light brown hair. Blue eyes. A little taller than me. A couple tattoos (would be nice but aren’t necessary).
39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?
Target. WalMart. Ross. Kohl’s. Hot Topic. Pac Sun.
40. What do you want to do after high school?
I’m out of high school and working (slowly) toward what I want to do

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Most times
42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?
Usually there’s something wrong
43. Do you smile at strangers?
Sometimes
44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?
Outer space
45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?
Need to pee and need food

46. What are you paranoid about?
That people are always talking about me behind my back
47. Have you ever been high?
No
48. Have you ever been drunk?
Not completely, but I have been on the verge of drunk form tipsy
49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?
Yea kinda…
50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?
Probably black

51. Ever wished you were someone else?
Hasn’t everyone?
52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?
My weight
53. Favourite makeup brand?
I buy multiple different brands, so I don’t really have a favorite
54. Favourite store?
I don’t really have a favorite anything
55. Favourite blog?
Probably thefeveredpen.com

56. Favourite colour?
Green. Blue. Purple. Pink. I don’t really have just one
57. Favourite food?
Pizza
58. Last thing you ate?
Blueberry bagel with cream cheese
59. First thing you ate this morning?
Banana
60. Ever won a competition? For what?
Nope

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?
Suspended. Pushing a girl in the bathroom in elementary school
62. Been arrested? For what?
No
63. Ever been in love?
Yes
64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?
I never figured out which one of two counted as my true first kiss, so I don’t think I wanna tell both stories here
65. Are you hungry right now?
No

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?
Sometimes
67. Facebook or Twitter?
Can I have both?
68. Twitter or Tumblr?
I feel like the answer should be Tumblr, but I love my Twitter too
69. Are you watching tv right now?
No
70. Names of your bestfriends?
I don’t know that many people I know see this blog, so I’m not too concerned about listening them all off. Here we go: David, Beth, Marisa, Stephanie, Adrianna

71. Craving something? What?
Not right now
72. What colour are your towels?
Currently using a brown towel
72. How many pillows do you sleep with?
One
73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
There’s one on my bed
74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?
Probably somewhere around 10 or so
75. Favourite animal?
Probably a dog. Cause they’re just so friendly and loyal and adorable

76. What colour is your underwear?
Blue
77. Chocolate or Vanilla?
Depends on the mood. But vanilla in general
78. Favourite ice cream flavour?
Dublin Mudslide from Ben & Jerry’s
79. What colour shirt are you wearing?
Brown
80. What colour pants?
Blue jeans

81. Favourite tv show?
Switched at Birth
82. Favourite movie?
Don’t have one
83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?
Never saw Mean Girls 2
84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?
Never saw 21 Jump Street, so I have to say Mean Girls
85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?
Katie

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?
Dory
87. First person you talked to today?
My mom
88. Last person you talked to today?
Haven’t finished
89. Name a person you hate?
I’m not going to name those people, because they’re still alive and I don’t need to bring up anything from the past with them
90. Name a person you love?
I feel like if I name just one, then other people are going to get offended, so I’m not going to do that

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?
Yes
92. In a fight with someone?
Kind of, but not really
93. How many sweatpants do you have?
None, I don’t wear sweatpants. But I have 3 pairs of yoga pants
94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?
Something ridiculous like 15
95. Last movie you watched?
My Fake Fiance

96. Favourite actress?
Julie Andrews
97. Favourite actor?
I can’t pick just one
98. Do you tan a lot?
No
99. Have any pets?
Yes
100. How are you feeling?
Tired, stressed, anxious

101. Do you type fast?
I like to think that I do
102. Do you regret anything from your past?
Several things
103. Can you spell well?
For the most part. But there are some words that I just can never remember
104. Do you miss anyone from your past?
Yes, there are absolutely people from my past that I miss
105. Ever been to a bonfire party?
Yes. It was in June so it was super hot, but super fun

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?
Yes
107. Have you ever been on a horse?
Yes. I used to ride when I was little
108. What should you be doing?
Studying for finals
109. Is something irritating you right now?
Yes. I sent two video projects to my professor, and apparently he never got them and just told me tonight…
110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?
Yes

111. Do you have trust issues?
Sometimes
112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?
My best guy friend
113. What was your childhood nickname?
Catnip
114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?
Yes
115. Do you play the Wii?
Rarely, but I have before

116. Are you listening to music right now?
No
117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?
Sometimes
118. Do you like Chinese food?
Yes
119. Favourite book?
I can’t pick just one
120. Are you afraid of the dark?
Only when I’m someplace that I don’t know well

121. Are you mean?
I can be
122. Is cheating ever okay?
I would have to discuss this with individual people, because I don’t really want a shitstorm on my blog
123. Can you keep white shoes clean?
For a while
124. Do you believe in love at first sight?
I believe it can happen
125. Do you believe in true love?
Yes

126. Are you currently bored?
Kind of
127. What makes you happy?
Coffee, hugs, reading, movies, cuddling, fires in the winter
128. Would you change your name?
Maybe
129. What your zodiac sign?
Scorpio
130. Do you like Subway?
Yes

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
Depends on how I feel about him
132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?
My best guy friend
133. Favourite lyrics right now?
“Don’t you worry you pretty little mind, People throw rocks at things that shine” –Taylor Swift
134. Can you count to one million?
It would take me a long time, but I could
135. Dumbest lie you ever told?
Probably something when I was little that I don’t remember anymore

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?
Closed
137. How tall are you?
5’6″
138. Curly or Straight hair?
My hair’s straight
139. Brunette or Blonde?
I’m a brunette, but I dye it red
140. Summer or Winter?
Autumn

141. Night or Day?
Night
142. Favourite month?
December
143. Are you a vegetarian?
No
144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?
Milk or white
145. Tea or Coffee?
Both

146. Was today a good day?
I guess so
147. Mars or Snickers?
Snickers
148. What’s your favourite quote?
It takes a girl to start something, but a woman to finish it.
149. Do you believe in ghosts?
Yes
150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?
It’s a notebook so there are no page numbers, and all the pages are blank right now cause it’s brand new

Too Much Information

I haven’t really introduced myself on here, and I don’t really want to do that in the “About” page because that’s cliché. So I’ll do it in this post. Here’s quite a few things you probably never would’ve guessed about me, or thought to ask:

1: What are you wearing? NorthFace hoodie, thermal shirt, jeans, socks. Shoes are elsewhere.
2: Ever been in love? Yes.
3: Ever had a terrible breakup? Absolutely. I’m pretty sure everyone has.
4: How tall are you? 5’6″
5: How much do you weigh? More than I’d like to.
6: Any tattoos? I’ve got one. I’ll post a pictures of it at the end.
7: Any piercings? Normal ear piercing, cartilage, and nose.
8: OTP? Not really sure what this means, so I’m not really capable of answering it.
9: Favorite Show? Switched at Birth on ABCFamily.
10: Favorite bands? I listen to more individuals than groups.
11: Something you miss? My friends who either go to school, or live, in other states.
12: Favorite song? Can’t pick just one.
13: How old are you? 21.
14: Zodiac sign? Scorpio.
15: Quality you look for in a partner? Sense of humor.
16: Favorite Quote? “It takes a girl to start something, but a woman to finish it.”
17: Favorite actor? Don’t make me pick just one
18: Favorite color? Green, pink, blue, purple. I really don’t have just one.
19: Loud music or soft? Depends on the situation.
20: Where do you go when you’re sad? My bedroom. Or to talk to a friend.
21: How long does it take you to shower? Depends on what I’ve gotta do. It can range from 15 minutes to 35-40 minutes.
22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? It depends on how much I’m doing to make myself look good. But usually 15-20 minutes.
23: Ever been in a physical fight? Nope.
24: Turn on? A really cute smile with eyes to match.
25: Turn off? Unthoughtfulness.
26: The reason I started blogging? I wanted somewhere to put my writing, and sometimes pictures, that wouldn’t be lost if I misplaced or accidentally destroyed a journal.
27: Fears? Losing the ones I love, sharks, spiders, phone calls with people I don’t know.
28: Last thing that made you cry? I got frustrated with a friend over a big confusion when we were texting.
29: Last time you said you loved someone? Just earlier tonight.
30: Meaning behind your blog title? Honestly, I’m still deciding if I like Growing Up in My Faith or if I want to change it to something else.
31: Last book you read? Just finished reading Meeting Trouble on my kindle.
32: The book you’re currently reading? Haven’t started a new one yet.
33: Last show you watched? Charlie Brown Christmas with the kids I babysat.
34: Last person you talked to? My last actual conversation was with my mom. But the last person I talked to was the older sibling of the two kids I babysat.
35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted? They’re my best friend.
36: Favorite food? Pizza probably. Either that or pasta in whatever flavor I’m craving.
37: Place you want to visit? Europe in general. But specifically the United Kingdom (England), Ireland, Scotland.
38: Last place you were? Costco.
39: Do you have a crush? I guess so.
40: Last time you kissed someone? Today.
41: Last time you were insulted? I’m not really sure exactly. But I’m pretty sure it was recently.
42: Favorite flavor of sweet? It depends on what it is.
43: What instruments do you play? I don’t play any instruments, but I do kind of sing.
44: Favorite piece of jewelry? Probably the three rings I wear all the time – my high school class ring, my claddagh ring, and my Love ring.
45: Last sport you played? Volleyball.
46: Last song you sang? I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas.
47: Last time you hung out with anyone?
48: Favorite chat up line? How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice. Hi, I’m ________.
49:Havtime you hung out with anyone? Never.
50: Who should answer these questions next? Whoever feels like using them on their blog. BUT PLEASE CREDIT ME IF/WHEN YOU DO!

I’ll probably do another one of these later on. But that should give you some sort of an idea of what I’m like as a person. Please don’t hesitate to come talk to me if you want/need a friend. I promise I don’t bite.

This is what my tattoo is based on. The only difference is that the tips of the leaves, and the tail, fade to red instead if being all black.

20131215-005837.jpg

The Never-Ending Struggles

This is a brand new blog for me. I have a couple others, but I need somewhere I can go when I’m feeling really down and need something to pick me back up.

I’ve said I was a Christian since the summer after third grade, when I was 9, and lately I haven’t really been feeling like it. To be honest, it’s been like that for a long time. Longer than I’d care to admit. I feel as though I’m drifting away from my church, but like I’m stuck there at the same time. Let me explain…

I always thought, when I was younger, that being a Christian was a really easy thing to do. You go to church on Sundays, you read the bible in class, you recite the verses you’re supposed to, and you sing the songs in service. However, as I grew up a little more, I realized that there’s more to it than that.

Now, I’m not going to sit here and tell you what being a Christian means – because there could be all kinds of debates about that – and I’m honestly still trying to figure out what all it means to me. Because for twelve years, I’ve been a “Christian” but since I’m 21 now, I think it’s time that I become a Christian without the quotation marks.

I always grew up being told that good Christians don’t curse and they don’t wear anything inappropriate. But I’ve seen a lot of things in recent years that proves to me that what I was taught and believed growing up isn’t always true.

Sometimes the only way to release anger or frustration is to let out a few words that aren’t exactly welcomed in church or around small children. And appropriateness of clothes is different and has to be determined by each individual person. And in the end, I think it’s up to the person wearing the clothes to determine if they are or aren’t appropriate, and if they aren’t then the wearer needs to change or make the clothing appropriate.

My Christian walk has always been a little off. I’ll think I’m in the right place but I’m really several feet (but it feels like several miles) from where I should be and not sure how to get back over there. It’s like there’s this gigantic chasm I’m unable to get across and therefore can’t live my Christian life.

I’m working on getting better, but it’s not really happening. I don’t have any good, strong Christian friends around me or in my life at all. It’s not who I’ve been in the past, and it’s still not really who I am now. It probably won’t very truly be me, but I owe it to myself to at least try to get better, and that’s what this blog is hopefully gonna help me do.

Starting Up

I know the title and tag line leads you to believe that this blog is supposed to be about my faith, but that’s not all it is and I feel that something else should be brought up because it also plays a part in this. And that is the fact that I am mentally ill.

Not in a bad way like some people automatically assume when they hear that. I mean honestly, if I didn’t tell you, you more than likely wouldn’t know it about me. But for those of you, like me who are curious, I am diagnosed with depression, bipolar disorder II, generalized anxiety, and mild panic.

The most difficult one for me to deal with is the depression. It weighs heavier on me more than the others. I lack the energy I used to have. I don’t want to get out of bed in the mornings. I have random pains all over my body that won’t go away.

The anxiety is also a struggle to deal with on a daily basis. I fear the reactions of people when I say the wrong thing. I worry that I’ll mess everything up and no one will want to be around me. I can’t deal with the uncertainty of not knowing what my days are going to be like because of my depression acting up.

The mild panic and bipolar II are easier to handle because they don’t cause such severe issues as the depression and anxiety do. The panic can be difficult though because when it does flare up there’s no warning, it just happens. I’ll get light-headed and my hands will shake and my chest will get tight and my breathing will get shallow and I’ll feel like I’ve got to escape. The bipolar is interesting when it swings to the hypomanic because I become an energetic, bubbly, talkative, giggly version of myself. I go on cleaning sprees and write all the time and not sleep much at night.