I know I mentioned it when I started my blog, but I don’t really think I’ve said much more about it since then. And that’s my mental illnesses.
For some, this is something they don’t understand. For others, it’s something that’s all too familiar.
There’s so much surrounding mental illnesses that’s negative. People just don’t want to take the time to listen to people and try to understand what they’re going through. It’s different from how they are, and they don’t see why people can’t just do something simple like change how they think and be okay.
I have some friends that I talk to about my mental illnesses, but I’ve very selective in who I talk to. I don’t want to talk to someone who doesn’t understand anything about it and will tell me that “it’s easy to fix” without knowing what I’m dealing with.
I didn’t choose to have any of the mental illnesses that I have. They’re chemical imbalances or “faulty wiring” in the brain. I couldn’t have prevented them even if I had tried.
Sure, I could have ignored them and gone undiagnosed for years. But that would’ve been more dangerous for me. Undiagnosed mental illnesses can cause more damage physically to the person who’s undiagnosed, and to relationships that they have as well.
Now, I know it’s not exactly “fun” to read about what other people are dealing with when it comes to mental illness, but that’s what I want to talk/write about right now. What I deal with, and how I deal with it.
What I deal with:
How I deal with it:
Well, to be honest, a lot of times I don’t really deal with it. I try to pretend like I don’t have mental health issues. I don’t want to be stuck within that stigma that people have about it. Those around me have slowly started to pick up on things, but it’s still not always easy because I tend to hide the fact that I’m struggling because I don’t want them worrying about me. I know that’s not a healthy way of managing it, but it’s what I do sometimes because I can’t bear to do much more than that.
Other times when I’m willing to admit that I’m struggling, what I do really depends on what I’m dealing with at the time. I might hole myself up in my room and binge watch something on Netflix. I might sleep. I might sit on my bed clutching a teddy bear, staring at nothing. I might write in my journal or on one of my blogs. I might try to escape my reality by reading a book. I might try to talk to a friend if I’m feeling up to it.
The problem with mental illnesses is that a lot of times you don’t know when they’re going to strike, or how if you have more than one. I could have an anxiety/panic attack in the middle of a test. I could sink into a depressed state after I’ve been in a good mood all day. I could go from one extreme emotion to another in naught point six seconds without warning. I could randomly become paranoid of something ridiculously preposterous happening and not be able to explain why.
Things tend to get even worse when I get stressed. And I can get stressed out over just about anything. The stressed generally pushes me away from people because they’re not helping decrease my stress levels any. I find a way to stay away from people as much as I possibly can. I do whatever I can to escape what’s causing my stress, and anything that could possibly make my stress worse. Sometimes that even means doing schoolwork.
Speaking of which, I need to go work on some projects for school…
You know that feeling you get when you have a crush?
The butterflies in your stomach. The buckling of your knees. The warm blush in your cheeks. The silly little smile on your face. The lightness of your heart. The inability to speak a coherent sentence.
That’s how it feels when you’re around.
I don’t know what it is about you that has my heart doing cartwheels in my chest, but i can’t get enough of that feeling. I see you and my sadness or anger melts away into a content feeling. I’m not upset, and I’m not elated; I’m relaxed to the point that nothing else around really matters.
You try to put me on top of Mt. Everest and boost my self-confidence with all the compliments you feed me. I don’t need makeup around you. Even when I’m in sweats and my makeup’s a wreck, you still think I’m beautiful. My heart will never be too big for my chest because the love I have for those close to me just overflows.
You have a way with words that I haven’t experienced before. Everything you say comes out perfectly and without effort. It’s like you don’t ever have to think about what you say. Your jokes, even when they’re not funny, always make me giggle. You know just what to say to make me feel better. You never doubt that I have a glorious bright future ahead of me. You encourage me when I’m down on myself. You help me fight the demons off.
I want to stay in your arms until I have enough happiness to last me till we’re together again. Because when we’re separated, I feel like I’m not wholly me; you have a small piece of my heart. I ache for your arms around me when I lay in bed at night long after you’ve drifted off into your Dreamland. A place where I hope we are together yet again. But as sleep evades me, I want you to kiss the back of my neck and whisper in my ear that you’ll always be there for me. Hold me gently but tightly in your arms until my breathing evens out, telling you that I’m asleep. Put a dream catcher above my bed to ward off the nightmares that plague my unconscious.
Be there for me as I stumble out of bed and into the kitchen in the morning. I want to sit at the table slowly drinking my coffee while watching those blue eyes of yours show me the smile of your heart. You don’t really drink coffee, but you tolerate it today for me because it’s a special day – we have been living together for a hear. We haven’t had a major argument yet – I am so proud of us darling. We’ve planned a in-home date for ourselves for tonight as a sort of celebration. I am going to stay home, clean and get everything ready for tonight while you’re at work. I need to pick up a few things from the grocery store for you to make dinner tonight. Then, while you are cooking, I am going to get myself all dressed up.
I have everything laid for myself. My favorite red heels and your favorite black dress of mine. I have plans for my hair and makeup as well. Everything tonight needs to be perfect. I don’t want anything to go wrong. It’s not that I think it will, I’m just anxious and a tad worried about it all because we haven’t done anything like this before.
Your eyes grow large when you see me exit the bedroom. You haven’t seen me this dressed up for anything other than my senior prom. And even that was only pictures. You’re amazed at the sight. You tell me that I’m glowing. You’ve never been more in love with me than you are now.
As we eat, I tell you that the meal is perfect. You did an excellent job. I call you handsome as you take the dishes to the sink. We pour ourselves some wine and select some music. I think it’s just so we can sit and talk with some background noise. After I’ve had a few sips of my wine, you take my glass and set it on the counter. You extend you hand to mine and ask if I would like to dance. It’s always been a cliché fantasy of mine to dance with my guy at home just because we can, and here you are making that dream come true. I could not be happier with you. You turn on the song that was playing when we first kissed. I didn’t think you remembered it honestly. But I guess you’re more sentimental than I thought.
My mind drifts back to the day we moved in together. Everything was so stressful. But you pulled out your phone, played my favorite song and made me start dancing so I’d loosen up. It was a perfect moment for me. It’s such a happy memory. As I come back to reality, I see you down on one knee with a little box in your hand. You slowly open the box, revealing a sparkling ring. You look up at me with hope in your eyes and ask me to marry you. A surprised smile crosses my face as I giggle and tell you yes.
You stand up to put the ring on my finger and give me the most gentle but passionate kiss I have ever had in my life.
You are now my forever future and my heart is bursting with joy.
Writing has always been a kind of escape for me. Over time I kind of got away from it because I didn’t know what to write or how to put it into words that seemed adequate, but I’m starting to get back into it more again.
Things have changed, so I have things to write about now. I have someone to write for too. And while it’s scary being aware of the fact that someone I know is reading so much of what I write, it’s someone I undoubtedly trust.
I know I shouldn’t be ashamed of my writing, but I can’t help it. I just don’t think it’s good enough sometimes. Especially when I’m writing about my mental illnesses. That’s when I want to write it down on paper and lock it away somewhere so no one can find it. I feel like exposing that part of myself to people is only going to end in me getting hurt, and I don’t need that.
But most of the people who are reading this blog either know me incredibly well, or don’t know me at all. So there’s really nothing for me to be afraid of.
I’ve wanted to put some of my writing up somewhere for a while, and now that I know it’s not awful to let people in, maybe I’ll put something up here…
What if I found the one and we got engaged and had a wedding and started a family together? Would it be what I’ve imagined for so long? Would it be better? There’s no way of knowing unless it happens – until then it’s nothing but dreams and wishes.
To some it seems a little ridiculous that I’m thinking about this when I’m nowhere near finishing school, or driving, or even really being in a position to start a family. But sometimes that’s the best time to think and dream about it because it’s an escape from reality where it can be absolutely anything I want it to be.
I want to watch him sip his coffee and be jealous of that mug kissing his lips on a frigid winter weekend morning as I stand at the stove making breakfast for us. I want to kiss him goodbye every morning when he goes off to work, even if I’m still in bed half asleep.
I want his arms to be the ones I fall asleep in every night. The warmth and safety I feel to wrap around me as I drift off into my dreams. To know that even if I wake up in the wee morning hours from a terrifying nightmare, I’m still safe because he’s there.
I could be jolted from sleep in the middle of a panic attack. But he would be right there to pull me tight in his arms, run his fingers through my hair, kiss my forehead, and tell me that it’s okay and I’m safe, he won’t let anything get to me.
Imagining what comes with finding the one and marrying him and starting a family and everything else, has got me wondering if maybe I’ve already met him and just don’t know it yet. Or if maybe he’s still out there searching for me too. Perhaps we’ll find each other in the most unlikely place. Not even be aware of the flying sparks till we unexpectedly meet again.
I’ve had dreams about my future. There’s aways a husband and a child with me somehow. But I’ve never seen his face. I can’t wait until the day I find out who he is. I want to be able to look him in the eye and tell him how much I love him. I want to kiss his lips and feel the butterflies in my stomach and the shivers down my spine.
I want to walk down the aisle to him in a white dress and say “I do.” He won’t be the only one crying that day. But neither of us will be crying tears of sadness. At least I hope not. I can’t speak for the reason he’ll be shedding tears, but I’ll be happy that I can finally, officially, call myself his. To finally feel like I have somewhere I truly belong.