Writing has always been a kind of escape for me. Over time I kind of got away from it because I didn’t know what to write or how to put it into words that seemed adequate, but I’m starting to get back into it more again.
Things have changed, so I have things to write about now. I have someone to write for too. And while it’s scary being aware of the fact that someone I know is reading so much of what I write, it’s someone I undoubtedly trust.
I know I shouldn’t be ashamed of my writing, but I can’t help it. I just don’t think it’s good enough sometimes. Especially when I’m writing about my mental illnesses. That’s when I want to write it down on paper and lock it away somewhere so no one can find it. I feel like exposing that part of myself to people is only going to end in me getting hurt, and I don’t need that.
But most of the people who are reading this blog either know me incredibly well, or don’t know me at all. So there’s really nothing for me to be afraid of.
I’ve wanted to put some of my writing up somewhere for a while, and now that I know it’s not awful to let people in, maybe I’ll put something up here…
You know me. I’m a monster, a demon. Your biggest fear. I make your skin crawl, I make your eyes bleed. Sometimes you look at me, and sometimes I stare back. That’s the scary part, isn’t it? Knowing that I see you, I feel you. Knowing with every fiber of your being that I’m always watching, judging, destroying. But then again, what is there to destroy really? You’re nothing.
That confidence thing you’re trying to achieve? It isn’t going to happen. Not as long as I can help it. I’m going to tear you apart pore by pore, eyelash by eyelash until there’s nothing left. Because guess what: you’re not worth anything. You can try and run away from me all you want, lock me deep down in the corners of your mind, but I’ll always be there. Waiting, watching. And I’m never going to back down or give up. Unlike you, pathetic soul. I have dream and ambitions too, you know. They’re just mainly centered around destroying yours. That’s right, I’m going to ruin everything you’ve ever loved and cherished. Your heart is no mystery to me, nor is your mind. That’s the worst part for you, I guess. There are no secrets between us. That lovely man you’re trying so hard to win over. It isn’t going to happen. You’re ugly. You’re useless. You’re stupid. You’re nothing.
But me? I’m everything. Every creak in your floorboards at three in the morning when you still can’t sleep. Every red mark you make when someone insults you. Every tear that leaks from your dying eyes. I’m everything. Oh, I’m sorry, did I hurt your feelings when I told you how miserable you’re going to be? Did I make you cry when I told you that no one will ever love you? I’m sorry, I really, really am. But…I guess I’ll just have to find a way to carry on, live day to day knowing I hurt the precious soul I’m sharing this disgusting body with. Oh, did that hurt a bit too? My apologies, really, you shouldn’t let me say things like this. But do you know why you do? Because you’re weak. Look at you, you’re pathetic! No wonder you don’t have any friends. I know I wouldn’t want to befriend a horrid creature like you. How do you think it makes all those innocent people out there feel, huh? Having to see you every day. And I know, I know, it must hurt when I tell you these things, but I’m just trying to be honest. I’m trying to help. But you do nothing. You’re nothing.
How wonderful it would be to finally break free from you. I could make a better life, than yours, I know it. I’d have loads and loads of people just pining to be my friend. Oh, the things I could do. You’re holding me back, you are. Why don’t you just give up? It’s not like you’re trying anyways. I deserve more than what you’re giving me! Yes, cry, cry you stupid little bitch. There’s nothing you can do to stop me now. You did this to yourself. If only you had tried a little harder to be beautiful, tried a little harder to be special and worthy. Maybe then I would leave you alone, but you won’t try. You can’t possibly. But I challenge you. Here’s your last chance to shut me out, to put a dagger though my heart. Will you take it? I don’t know. But I do know that you won’t succeed. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. Do you know why? Because you’re nothing.
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