The Waiting Game – I Want…

Waiting for things to happen is never an easy thing to do. Especially when the wait is pretty much indefinite.

But that is the situation I am stuck in.

I know what I want to happen, but when it will happen is a never-ending question. Because of circumstances that are pretty much out of my control.

I want to live with him, in a place that is so drastically different than where I have to call home now. Because I don’t always feel safe at home (I won’t go into details – they’re not the point here).

I want to live in a place I feel like I can be myself. Somewhere I am not afraid of an argument happening. Somewhere I can dress however I want and not be judged for it. Somewhere I can wear pajamas all day on a a weekend and not get funny looks or told to put some clothes on. Somewhere that feels more like home.

I want to collapse into bed with him at the end of the day. I want to fall asleep wrapped in his arms. I want to wake up in the morning and see his face first thing. I want to know that I’m always safe no matter what.

I want the rest of my life to be spent with him. I want him to be the father of my kids. I want him to be the one I lean on when it is too much for me to handle alone. I want to make life mistakes with him. I want to have adventures with him. I want to find things to celebrate with him. I want to make big deals out of little things with him.

Random thought: I really should get on registering for the fall semester so I make sure I have my classes locked in and I don’t lose them.

I Just Needed to Write Last Night

I want so bad to get out my house already. My parents rely on me too much for things that I shouldn’t have to be doing. I shouldn’t be responsible for my fourteen year old brother. And I should have a lot more freedom than I do.

It’s not even like I want to get out so I can do drugs and drink all the time either. I want to get out so that I can feel safe and comfortable in the place that I call home. I want to live with people I trust. But that’s not the way that my life is going…

There is someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with, and they’re the one I want to be living with. I’ve known them for nearly seven years and I wouldn’t trade those years for anything. They’re the best person I know, even if they have broken my heart and given me a damn good reason to leave them in the past. They’re my everything, and I don’t want to leave them. I want to spend as much time with them as I possibly can.

Getting out of my house would also free me from the requirement to take care of my brother all the time. The fact that he can’t be trusted with a house key or be left home alone is a real issue. I don’t know how much more of this, you have to be home for your brother, shit I can take. Especially because of the stupid stuff he does after school.

He’ll leave the house, door unlocked, without saying a single word. I used to go look for him in the park where he always said he had been when he came home, but he would never be there. Now I’ve given up looking for him, I just text my mom that he’s done it again and sit on the main floor with my laptop or a book.

~~~

I want to feel like I can be myself at home; I shouldn’t have to hide who I am. If I want to cry, even if I don’t have a clue as to the reason for it, I shouldn’t have to feel like I have to pretend to be strong just to avoid judgmental questions. But with where I am right now, I can’t just hide in my room, or even the bathroom, because someone is bound to come find me and ask what’s wrong. And when I can’t tell them anything, I feel like an absolute idiot.

Part of the problem, I think, is that for so many years, I did nothing but bottle up the emotions I didn’t want everyone else to see. I only let them out when I was home alone or after everyone was asleep. And now that I’m in the situation that I am, I still only admit to one person that I want to cry, and I won’t let myself if there’s other people around or there’s a chance other people could see me or see my red, puffy eyes after. Which means that I don’t really allow myself cry very often at all. Plus, I’m not a cute crier.

But with him none of that matters. I could know exactly why I’m crying or be as clueless as someone seeing the last Harry Potter movie and knowing nothing about it. He would still hold me in his arms as the tears stream down my face and just be there for me. And honestly, even just thinking about that alone makes me want to cry. Because he’s everything I could’ve asked for, and then some. I can’t even begin to explain.

~~~

My emotions get so overwhelming sometimes that I don’t know how to handle them. They start to take over and I try to fight them, but they can be entirely too much for me. So I let them pull me under. Sometimes they pull me so far under that I don’t even know what I’m feeling anymore. I can’t even decipher what emotions are rolling through me. I’m numb. I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I’m lonely. I’m scared. I don’t even know what I am anymore. So much is swirling around inside of me that I can’t understand or control.

I want to let the tears escape, but at the same time I don’t. I’ve bottled things up for too long and need to let them go, but I also don’t know what exactly I need to let go of.

Maybe eventually in my life I’ll get to the point that I can just let myself cry when I feel like I need to regardless of whether or not there are people around that could see.

Tough Nights

I’m trying to manage my mental illnesses the best that I can, because medications just didn’t work for me. I just couldn’t make myself go back to the doctor again and again to be put on one med after another because this one gave me headaches and that one made me feel emotionally numb all the time.

I still have my bad days and that’s normal, but I know to fight through them. Even if it’s not easy to do – it’s ok to ask for help. There are good things out there even though I may not see them at the time. What helps me is the fact that I’ve got a list of things that make me happy on my phone. I can look at it and distract myself, sometimes just momentarily but it still helps make pushing through the rest of the day a little bit easier.

There are nights when I sit curled up in my big green moon chair clutching one of my stuffed animals with thoughts flying around in my head and tears threatening to fall. And to be honest with y’all, I think that’s completely ok. I really do. Sometimes a girl, or anyone for that matter, just needs to sit somewhere they feel safe and let their emotions flow.

That’s part of my problem. I bottle things up, and I have for a long time, because I’m afraid of people not seeing me as the strong girl that I show myself to be. I am absolutely terrified that if I show people that I possess a weak side and have breakdowns over nothing then they’ll think differently of me. They’ll think I’m weak and can’t handle them coming to me with their situations. But that just make me feel even worse about myself because they think so little of me.

I told one of my friends about this and she literally said something that made the tears break free and fall down my face:
” You’re amazing. You’re strong. You’re fearless. You’re determined. You’re a daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, and best friend!
You have so much going for you”

I can’t see these things most times.
I don’t understand how I’m amazing. I only pretend to be strong. I’m so far from fearless that it’s almost funny. I give up when things don’t go my way or they’re too difficult.

Become a Stigma Fighter with Me

About a week ago, I had a guest post go up on Sarah Fader’s blog Old School/New School Mom for something she started called Stigma Fighters.

With this series, she’s created somewhere for people with mental illness share their stories and fight the stigma that surrounds it. There is nothing wrong with having a mental illness. Lots of people do and we live normal lives. Just look at the list she has of everyone who has bravely submitted their story to her blog. And that’s not where it ends. ANYONE who wants to can send her their story too. I encourage you to do so!

I felt so good after putting myself out there and sending her my story. Sure it was scary, but to see how many other people are doing the same thing (anonymously or with their name) is absolutely amazing.

I’m so proud to be one of her Stigma Fighters, and I hope you will be one too!

20 Things to Start Doing

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1. Drink lots of water and green tea
2. Eat a big breakfast, average lunch, & a tiny dinner
3. Eat fruit & vegetables & natural food
4. Go for a walk/swim/bike ride
5. Read a book
6. Go to bed earlier
7. Stop thinking negative thoughts about yourself
8. Don’t dwell on the past … turn it into art
9. Enjoy little things in life
10. Do not judge or compare yourself to others
11. Begin yoga or meditation
12. Do not put things off
13. Avoid processed food
14. Stretch daily to increase flexibility
15. Listen to peaceful music
16. Live in a tidy space
17. Wear clothes that make you happy
18. Throw away things you don’t need
19. Remember that “all the effort you are making now will pay off in the end”
20. Go outside more