always drinking coffee | forever dreaming about tattoos

I Just Needed to Write Last Night

I want so bad to get out my house already. My parents rely on me too much for things that I shouldn’t have to be doing. I shouldn’t be responsible for my fourteen year old brother. And I should have a lot more freedom than I do.

It’s not even like I want to get out so I can do drugs and drink all the time either. I want to get out so that I can feel safe and comfortable in the place that I call home. I want to live with people I trust. But that’s not the way that my life is going…

There is someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with, and they’re the one I want to be living with. I’ve known them for nearly seven years and I wouldn’t trade those years for anything. They’re the best person I know, even if they have broken my heart and given me a damn good reason to leave them in the past. They’re my everything, and I don’t want to leave them. I want to spend as much time with them as I possibly can.

Getting out of my house would also free me from the requirement to take care of my brother all the time. The fact that he can’t be trusted with a house key or be left home alone is a real issue. I don’t know how much more of this, you have to be home for your brother, shit I can take. Especially because of the stupid stuff he does after school.

He’ll leave the house, door unlocked, without saying a single word. I used to go look for him in the park where he always said he had been when he came home, but he would never be there. Now I’ve given up looking for him, I just text my mom that he’s done it again and sit on the main floor with my laptop or a book.


I want to feel like I can be myself at home; I shouldn’t have to hide who I am. If I want to cry, even if I don’t have a clue as to the reason for it, I shouldn’t have to feel like I have to pretend to be strong just to avoid judgmental questions. But with where I am right now, I can’t just hide in my room, or even the bathroom, because someone is bound to come find me and ask what’s wrong. And when I can’t tell them anything, I feel like an absolute idiot.

Part of the problem, I think, is that for so many years, I did nothing but bottle up the emotions I didn’t want everyone else to see. I only let them out when I was home alone or after everyone was asleep. And now that I’m in the situation that I am, I still only admit to one person that I want to cry, and I won’t let myself if there’s other people around or there’s a chance other people could see me or see my red, puffy eyes after. Which means that I don’t really allow myself cry very often at all. Plus, I’m not a cute crier.

But with him none of that matters. I could know exactly why I’m crying or be as clueless as someone seeing the last Harry Potter movie and knowing nothing about it. He would still hold me in his arms as the tears stream down my face and just be there for me. And honestly, even just thinking about that alone makes me want to cry. Because he’s everything I could’ve asked for, and then some. I can’t even begin to explain.


My emotions get so overwhelming sometimes that I don’t know how to handle them. They start to take over and I try to fight them, but they can be entirely too much for me. So I let them pull me under. Sometimes they pull me so far under that I don’t even know what I’m feeling anymore. I can’t even decipher what emotions are rolling through me. I’m numb. I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I’m lonely. I’m scared. I don’t even know what I am anymore. So much is swirling around inside of me that I can’t understand or control.

I want to let the tears escape, but at the same time I don’t. I’ve bottled things up for too long and need to let them go, but I also don’t know what exactly I need to let go of.

Maybe eventually in my life I’ll get to the point that I can just let myself cry when I feel like I need to regardless of whether or not there are people around that could see.

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About Me

Hello! Welcome! My name is Katy!
You can find me drinking coffee until it’s time for wine. Currently have 5 tattoos, but plans for more are in the works.
I’m a birthmom over 8 years post placement. I’ve been in a birthmom support group since November 2018, and will be leading my own come May 2023.
On Sunday mornings you can usually find me in the nursery or on the production team at church.
Various times throughout the year, you can find me staying with someone’s dog(s) while they’re away on a trip – so don’t be surprised if there are stories or pictures every so often.

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