Possible Backsliding

  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, or making decisions
  • Fatigue and decreased energy
  • Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
  • Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
  • Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
  • Irritability, restlessness
  • Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
  • Overeating or appetite loss
  • Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
  • Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feelings
  • Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

I feel like I’m falling back into a lot of this stuff. And that honestly scares me. I know depression isn’t something that’s once and done, it comes and goes for years. I just don’t want to be slipping back into depression right as school is starting. I want to be able to focus on my class, and not feel like it’s too much and I can’t do it. 

I know I can sit here now and say that I can do it, but things are always different when you’re in classes. I always say that I’m gonna be able to handle everything, but I often tend to underestimate how much work there’s gonna be. I know the math class is gonna take work, obviously. And my ASL classes are gonna have their work, but I’ll be more likely to do that because it’s more interesting/fun for me. 

Another thing I worry about is the toll that this would end up taking on my relationship. I’ve never been dating someone, at least not like this, when I fell into depression. It’s an unknown for me, and him, that I don’t really want to deal with but I know we’ll both have to.

  • I start to pull away from people I usually talk to all the time. 
  • I hide away in my room.
  • I can’t stay focused on anything for very long. (just writing this has taken multiple sittings over multiple days)
  • I constantly feel tired, and sometimes that means I take a nap in the middle of the afternoon. 
  • I frequently feel like I’m not worth what other people say/think I am. 
  • I have issues falling asleep at night, and I wake up multiple times before I can actually function enough to get out of bed. 
  • I get easily frustrated over the smallest things, and I feel like I just can’t sit still even when I’m watching TV. 
  • I don’t get pulled into books or writing like I used to, and even Netflix doesn’t hold me the same way it used to. 
  • I either eat nothing or I eat all the time. 
  • I have headaches that come and go all day, and my shoulders/back always feel like they have knots in them. 
  • I start feeling significantly worse at night, but I pretend like I’m fine when people are around. 

I see all of this in myself, but I don’t want to tell anyone about it. I think it has to do with how I see these things day-to-day. They don’t seem that bad. Not bad enough to worry other people with them. I know I really should, but I just don’t see what good that would do. They could probably help me, but I’m too stubborn and I push help away unless I feel like I truly need it. 

I just don’t quite feel like myself anymore…

Brighter Days Do Exist

I know my last few posts have been pretty down. And honestly, it’s cause I’ve been feeling that way a lot lately. But today was different. I didn’t have my brother to deal with, so I decided that it would be a day for myself. 

I got up around 8:45/9:00 and pulled clothes for the day. Then I pulled out and used the face mask I’d gotten from Lush on Sunday. After that I hopped in the shower. Once I was nice and clean, I threw a little (and I do mean little) makeup at my face and headed up to Starbucks for a date with myself. I sat there with my drink, reading my book and people watching for about an hour. Then I went over to Walgreens to pick up a couple things. When I got back I stopped by neighbor’s house first to see if I could help them with some stuff on their computer that they’d mentioned before. She wasn’t home but I helped him with a few little things and contacted her about working with her later on. Once I was back in my own house I found some lunch and watched something like half an hour of TV. Then I retreated to my room for some coloring. (Yes, I still like to color. I don’t care how old I am, I think it’s fun. Judge me all you want, I don’t care.) That didn’t last very long, so I started working on this blog post. But soon enough it was time to head back across the street. 

Over there, I helped her with unsubscribing to a whole bunch of emails that she didn’t need/want anymore. We took all the photos off her iPhone and put them on her computer. Updated her iPad to iOS 7, and her phone to iOS 6.1.3 and then to iOS 7 as well. Really, I didn’t do a whole lot, but all of that took about 2 hours. I mean, she had over 1300 pictures on her phone – the thing is 4 years old – so downloading all those to her computer took almost an hour. 

I came back home and talked with my mom for a while before she and my brother and I went out for dinner – nothing fancy, just up to Boardwalk Fries. Then we went out to World Market for some Torani syrup so we can make our own coffee creamer. I can’t remember what the recipe is right now but when I find it I’ll post it up here. Of course, no Friday night out is complete without getting frozen yogurt so we went to Tutti Frutti. When we came back home we watched 3 episodes of Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta on TLC’s Friday Bride-day. It’s mom’s Friday night treat – I have fun watching it with her though. (I swear, some of those bridges have champagne taste on a beer budget. One of the girls tonight fell in love with an $8,000 Lazaro dress and her budget was $2,000. Needless to say, things were interesting.) 

All in all, I can definitely say today was a good day. It was a much needed day too. Things have just been so crazy and it was nice to do what I wanted in my own time today. I’ll have to find time to do this again sometime. 

Note to self: Don’t wait forever before taking a day for myself again.

Photo on 7-25-14 at 1.56 pm #2

Write Through The Pain

Everything is slowly getting back to normal after the craziness that was a couple weeks ago. Except the whole emotional struggle thing. I never know what emotions I’m gonna get hit with. Some days I’ll be just fine, and others I just won’t feel like doing anything.

The days I just want to stay in bed, I can’t imagine getting up and doing even the simplest of daily tasks. I don’t want to brush my hair, change out of my pajamas, do dishes, or even eat. Nothing has any appeal to me. I just lay there watching Netflix for hours on end. It’s honestly really pathetic.

The worst part of my bad days, is that I try to hide and pull away from everything, even the people who could help me the most at that point. But I do it because I don’t want to feel like a burden on them – despite anything they’ve said to me in the past. It’s a negative part of my personality that I’ve gotta learn to deal with and eventually get over. I just don’t want to admit that I need their help.

Saying that I can’t do it on my own makes me feel like I’m being weak. It makes me feel like people aren’t gonna look at me the same. I feel like they’re gonna think less of me. It’s a fear factor for me.

I don’t know what’s happening in their heads when I say i need their help because I’m just too overwhelmed with everything. They don’t understand what I mean because they’ve never been in my position and I can’t describe what I’m feeling because I don’t even fully know.

I know I probably should go talk to someone, but that goes right back to the whole I don’t want to feel weak issue.

Things aren’t as easy as they seem. Especially when you’re dealing with depression. Or any mental illness for that matter. A task that might seem simple and almost mindless to someone else, is daunting and draining for someone with a mental illness.

I don’t know how I manage to pull myself out of bed every morning. I honestly don’t. I just know that I have to. There are things I need to do, even if I don’t want to. Although, there are days where I honestly don’t do much more than get dressed and exist on the main floor of the house. Today is one of those days. 

I woke up at to my alarm at 8:30 and finally got dressed at 9. I watched the episode of Chasing Life that recorded last night on DVR, made myself a chai, and read my book for a while. Sometime around 12:30, I realized that my brother was still in the bed so I dragged myself back upstairs and told him he HAD TO get up. I grabbed a notebook and my laptop from my room and came back downstairs, and have been sitting at the dining room table ever since. I thought I would write in the notebook but I don’t know what to write. I just feel so damn lost. 

Of course when my parents get home, I’m gonna act like nothing’s wrong even though I feel like crap. Not like my dad would really pay much attention anyway. I don’t know what mom would do. Probably just worry about me. And that’s honestly the last thing I want right now – people worrying about me. That just makes me feel worse than I already do. Because if they’re worrying about me I know I’m bringing them down with me. It’s just not worth it. 

Feeling Too Much

I’m emotionally dead
I cried so hard I gave myself a headache
I want to get out
I need an escape so bad
I don’t want to feel this
I can’t do this much longer
I think I need help
I faked it for so long and so well
I dont know what it’s like to actually feel this stuff
Everything came crashing down recently
It’s so damn overwhelming I
have no way out
But I have to find a way
I have no choice
I can’t sit around crying forever
But I don’t even want to talk
Not a single word
I just want to curl up in a corner and disappear
Let the world keep moving on without me for a little while
Someone please come hold my hand
Try to pull me up and out of this endless pain

Brain Spill

Sometimes you want to write but you just don’t know what. There’s nothing you can do except sit there staring at the blank paper (or computer screen) thinking about a million different things…

  • What’s gonna be easy to write about right now?
  • What’s gonna take time to put into words?
  • What’s something other people would want to read?
  • What’s not gonna be too overwhelming?

There are several things I could write about right now, but, the one I have the most to say about I have the feeling would be overwhelming for me right now. Although, maybe that would be good for me right now. Maybe not going into everything, but just to start acknowledging what I’m feeling and dealing with.  Continue reading “Brain Spill”