Write Through The Pain

Everything is slowly getting back to normal after the craziness that was a couple weeks ago. Except the whole emotional struggle thing. I never know what emotions I’m gonna get hit with. Some days I’ll be just fine, and others I just won’t feel like doing anything.

The days I just want to stay in bed, I can’t imagine getting up and doing even the simplest of daily tasks. I don’t want to brush my hair, change out of my pajamas, do dishes, or even eat. Nothing has any appeal to me. I just lay there watching Netflix for hours on end. It’s honestly really pathetic.

The worst part of my bad days, is that I try to hide and pull away from everything, even the people who could help me the most at that point. But I do it because I don’t want to feel like a burden on them – despite anything they’ve said to me in the past. It’s a negative part of my personality that I’ve gotta learn to deal with and eventually get over. I just don’t want to admit that I need their help.

Saying that I can’t do it on my own makes me feel like I’m being weak. It makes me feel like people aren’t gonna look at me the same. I feel like they’re gonna think less of me. It’s a fear factor for me.

I don’t know what’s happening in their heads when I say i need their help because I’m just too overwhelmed with everything. They don’t understand what I mean because they’ve never been in my position and I can’t describe what I’m feeling because I don’t even fully know.

I know I probably should go talk to someone, but that goes right back to the whole I don’t want to feel weak issue.

Things aren’t as easy as they seem. Especially when you’re dealing with depression. Or any mental illness for that matter. A task that might seem simple and almost mindless to someone else, is daunting and draining for someone with a mental illness.

I don’t know how I manage to pull myself out of bed every morning. I honestly don’t. I just know that I have to. There are things I need to do, even if I don’t want to. Although, there are days where I honestly don’t do much more than get dressed and exist on the main floor of the house. Today is one of those days. 

I woke up at to my alarm at 8:30 and finally got dressed at 9. I watched the episode of Chasing Life that recorded last night on DVR, made myself a chai, and read my book for a while. Sometime around 12:30, I realized that my brother was still in the bed so I dragged myself back upstairs and told him he HAD TO get up. I grabbed a notebook and my laptop from my room and came back downstairs, and have been sitting at the dining room table ever since. I thought I would write in the notebook but I don’t know what to write. I just feel so damn lost. 

Of course when my parents get home, I’m gonna act like nothing’s wrong even though I feel like crap. Not like my dad would really pay much attention anyway. I don’t know what mom would do. Probably just worry about me. And that’s honestly the last thing I want right now – people worrying about me. That just makes me feel worse than I already do. Because if they’re worrying about me I know I’m bringing them down with me. It’s just not worth it.