always drinking coffee | forever dreaming about tattoos

Write Through The Pain

Everything is slowly getting back to normal after the craziness that was a couple weeks ago. Except the whole emotional struggle thing. I never know what emotions I’m gonna get hit with. Some days I’ll be just fine, and others I just won’t feel like doing anything.

The days I just want to stay in bed, I can’t imagine getting up and doing even the simplest of daily tasks. I don’t want to brush my hair, change out of my pajamas, do dishes, or even eat. Nothing has any appeal to me. I just lay there watching Netflix for hours on end. It’s honestly really pathetic.

The worst part of my bad days, is that I try to hide and pull away from everything, even the people who could help me the most at that point. But I do it because I don’t want to feel like a burden on them – despite anything they’ve said to me in the past. It’s a negative part of my personality that I’ve gotta learn to deal with and eventually get over. I just don’t want to admit that I need their help.

Saying that I can’t do it on my own makes me feel like I’m being weak. It makes me feel like people aren’t gonna look at me the same. I feel like they’re gonna think less of me. It’s a fear factor for me.

I don’t know what’s happening in their heads when I say i need their help because I’m just too overwhelmed with everything. They don’t understand what I mean because they’ve never been in my position and I can’t describe what I’m feeling because I don’t even fully know.

I know I probably should go talk to someone, but that goes right back to the whole I don’t want to feel weak issue.

Things aren’t as easy as they seem. Especially when you’re dealing with depression. Or any mental illness for that matter. A task that might seem simple and almost mindless to someone else, is daunting and draining for someone with a mental illness.

I don’t know how I manage to pull myself out of bed every morning. I honestly don’t. I just know that I have to. There are things I need to do, even if I don’t want to. Although, there are days where I honestly don’t do much more than get dressed and exist on the main floor of the house. Today is one of those days. 

I woke up at to my alarm at 8:30 and finally got dressed at 9. I watched the episode of Chasing Life that recorded last night on DVR, made myself a chai, and read my book for a while. Sometime around 12:30, I realized that my brother was still in the bed so I dragged myself back upstairs and told him he HAD TO get up. I grabbed a notebook and my laptop from my room and came back downstairs, and have been sitting at the dining room table ever since. I thought I would write in the notebook but I don’t know what to write. I just feel so damn lost. 

Of course when my parents get home, I’m gonna act like nothing’s wrong even though I feel like crap. Not like my dad would really pay much attention anyway. I don’t know what mom would do. Probably just worry about me. And that’s honestly the last thing I want right now – people worrying about me. That just makes me feel worse than I already do. Because if they’re worrying about me I know I’m bringing them down with me. It’s just not worth it. 

5 responses to “Write Through The Pain”

  1. For what it’s worth, one of my best friends has struggled with depression for over a decade. One of the things he said helped him was when family and friends asked him simple questions like, “How’re you feeling today?” or “Do you want to talk about it?”

    So i’ll ask, How’re you feeling now and do you want to talk about it?

    1. coffeetattoos Avatar

      I’m just tired of having to pretend like I’m ok around everybody – it’s exhausting. But then there’s my issue of not wanting to feel weak for admitting that I need (or even want) help. It’s a contradictory position to be in. But it’s something I’ve got to work through. I’m not sure if there’s really anything that can be done to help with that.

      1. Why do you have to pretend?

      2. coffeetattoos Avatar

        Because of the way a recent situation worked out, who knows and who doesn’t. And honestly, I can’t stand people worrying about me.

      3. I see.

        Maybe opening up a but here and there may prove helpful.

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About Me

Hello! Welcome! My name is Katy!
You can find me drinking coffee until it’s time for wine. Currently have 5 tattoos, but plans for more are in the works.
I’m a birthmom over 8 years post placement. I’ve been in a birthmom support group since November 2018, and will be leading my own come May 2023.
On Sunday mornings you can usually find me in the nursery or on the production team at church.
Various times throughout the year, you can find me staying with someone’s dog(s) while they’re away on a trip – so don’t be surprised if there are stories or pictures every so often.

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