always drinking coffee | forever dreaming about tattoos

Possible Backsliding

  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, or making decisions
  • Fatigue and decreased energy
  • Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
  • Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
  • Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
  • Irritability, restlessness
  • Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
  • Overeating or appetite loss
  • Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
  • Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feelings
  • Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

I feel like I’m falling back into a lot of this stuff. And that honestly scares me. I know depression isn’t something that’s once and done, it comes and goes for years. I just don’t want to be slipping back into depression right as school is starting. I want to be able to focus on my class, and not feel like it’s too much and I can’t do it. 

I know I can sit here now and say that I can do it, but things are always different when you’re in classes. I always say that I’m gonna be able to handle everything, but I often tend to underestimate how much work there’s gonna be. I know the math class is gonna take work, obviously. And my ASL classes are gonna have their work, but I’ll be more likely to do that because it’s more interesting/fun for me. 

Another thing I worry about is the toll that this would end up taking on my relationship. I’ve never been dating someone, at least not like this, when I fell into depression. It’s an unknown for me, and him, that I don’t really want to deal with but I know we’ll both have to.

  • I start to pull away from people I usually talk to all the time. 
  • I hide away in my room.
  • I can’t stay focused on anything for very long. (just writing this has taken multiple sittings over multiple days)
  • I constantly feel tired, and sometimes that means I take a nap in the middle of the afternoon. 
  • I frequently feel like I’m not worth what other people say/think I am. 
  • I have issues falling asleep at night, and I wake up multiple times before I can actually function enough to get out of bed. 
  • I get easily frustrated over the smallest things, and I feel like I just can’t sit still even when I’m watching TV. 
  • I don’t get pulled into books or writing like I used to, and even Netflix doesn’t hold me the same way it used to. 
  • I either eat nothing or I eat all the time. 
  • I have headaches that come and go all day, and my shoulders/back always feel like they have knots in them. 
  • I start feeling significantly worse at night, but I pretend like I’m fine when people are around. 

I see all of this in myself, but I don’t want to tell anyone about it. I think it has to do with how I see these things day-to-day. They don’t seem that bad. Not bad enough to worry other people with them. I know I really should, but I just don’t see what good that would do. They could probably help me, but I’m too stubborn and I push help away unless I feel like I truly need it. 

I just don’t quite feel like myself anymore…

4 responses to “Possible Backsliding”

  1. Honest post. Hope it gets better. Exercise, any kid, is a strong weapon in battling with depression.

  2. betternotbroken Avatar

    Hang in there.

  3. I live with these same things and I know how hard it is. I love you, Cheeky. Hang in there and reach out if you need it. People will help if you ask them to.

  4. Hugs hun. I know the feeling!

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About Me

Hello! Welcome! My name is Katy!
You can find me drinking coffee until it’s time for wine. Currently have 5 tattoos, but plans for more are in the works.
I’m a birthmom over 8 years post placement. I’ve been in a birthmom support group since November 2018, and will be leading my own come May 2023.
On Sunday mornings you can usually find me in the nursery or on the production team at church.
Various times throughout the year, you can find me staying with someone’s dog(s) while they’re away on a trip – so don’t be surprised if there are stories or pictures every so often.

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