Possible Backsliding

  • Difficulty concentrating, remembering details, or making decisions
  • Fatigue and decreased energy
  • Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
  • Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
  • Insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
  • Irritability, restlessness
  • Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
  • Overeating or appetite loss
  • Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
  • Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” feelings
  • Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

I feel like I’m falling back into a lot of this stuff. And that honestly scares me. I know depression isn’t something that’s once and done, it comes and goes for years. I just don’t want to be slipping back into depression right as school is starting. I want to be able to focus on my class, and not feel like it’s too much and I can’t do it. 

I know I can sit here now and say that I can do it, but things are always different when you’re in classes. I always say that I’m gonna be able to handle everything, but I often tend to underestimate how much work there’s gonna be. I know the math class is gonna take work, obviously. And my ASL classes are gonna have their work, but I’ll be more likely to do that because it’s more interesting/fun for me. 

Another thing I worry about is the toll that this would end up taking on my relationship. I’ve never been dating someone, at least not like this, when I fell into depression. It’s an unknown for me, and him, that I don’t really want to deal with but I know we’ll both have to.

  • I start to pull away from people I usually talk to all the time. 
  • I hide away in my room.
  • I can’t stay focused on anything for very long. (just writing this has taken multiple sittings over multiple days)
  • I constantly feel tired, and sometimes that means I take a nap in the middle of the afternoon. 
  • I frequently feel like I’m not worth what other people say/think I am. 
  • I have issues falling asleep at night, and I wake up multiple times before I can actually function enough to get out of bed. 
  • I get easily frustrated over the smallest things, and I feel like I just can’t sit still even when I’m watching TV. 
  • I don’t get pulled into books or writing like I used to, and even Netflix doesn’t hold me the same way it used to. 
  • I either eat nothing or I eat all the time. 
  • I have headaches that come and go all day, and my shoulders/back always feel like they have knots in them. 
  • I start feeling significantly worse at night, but I pretend like I’m fine when people are around. 

I see all of this in myself, but I don’t want to tell anyone about it. I think it has to do with how I see these things day-to-day. They don’t seem that bad. Not bad enough to worry other people with them. I know I really should, but I just don’t see what good that would do. They could probably help me, but I’m too stubborn and I push help away unless I feel like I truly need it. 

I just don’t quite feel like myself anymore…

4 thoughts on “Possible Backsliding

  1. I live with these same things and I know how hard it is. I love you, Cheeky. Hang in there and reach out if you need it. People will help if you ask them to.

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