I started back to school today. While I’m glad to get out of my house, I also hate having to deal with all the people. But being in classes also means that I have things to do during the day. There’s chapters I have to read for my deaf culture class and then write blog posts about. If something’s interesting enough, or I just have no other ideas, I’ll put it up on here for y’all to read. So that class is gonna be fun – despite the 3 research papers and the group presentation.
My math class on the other hand, that was a freaking adventure today. I was in a class I wasn’t supposed to be in because it was an honors section. According to the person I talked to at the school, I shouldn’t have even been able to register for it. I found another class that fit into my schedule, but I wasn’t allowed to swap into it. Why? The school started a new policy – you have to be registered by 11:59pm the night before classes start or you can’t register. I was already registered in this honors class and just wanted to swap into another class. But there are no exceptions to the new policy. It’s gonna screw people over and make them want to leave the school. If I had another school I could go to instead I wouldn’t stuck around here. However that’s not the case so I’m stuck dealing with the backlash of the school’s new system.
I’m still enrolled in a math class, but it’s not a full 16-week or on campus. Instead I’m gonna have to suffer through an 8-week online course. I’m gonna be living in hell for that class. I already have enough issues with math, and now I’m not gonna be in a classroom to learn it – therefore everything is gonna be on me, so I’m wondering how I’m gonna make it work…
I’ve learned recently that sometimes you just have to let the way someone’s acting toward you be their issue, not yours.
This past weekend I stayed at a friend’s house celebrating her 21st birthday and, as most people would do, we were drinking a good bit. Another friend on mine called me Friday night to see what I was up to – I was on the way out to dinner – and I told him I was gonna be pretty much unavailable till Monday (today) because I was drinking the next two nights. He told me to be careful/smart about it and have fun.
Now bear in mind that this guy is in AA, but it has nothing to do with me.
I didn’t hear from him again till Saturday night when we were on our way to the second bar, or shortly after we’d gotten there. I’m not fully sure of timing. This was our conversation:
time stamp | who’s talking: text message
10:34 | Him: Its your twin
10:47 | Me: Hi
10:47 | Him: Hi…
10:47 | Me: What’s up?
10:49 | Him: Nothing…
10:49 | Me: Don’t lie to me
10:52 | Him: Im upset and frustrated and i want to get away from all the pain.. I was hurt when you said one of us could drink
10:53 | Me: I’m sorry. But this is the first chance I’ve had. And there’s nothing wrong with me drinking. The fact that you’re hurt by the fact that one of us can drink isn’t my fault
10:54 | Him: It was the way you said it
10:56 | Me: I’m excited about this. And I’m not sorry about that
10:57 | Him: Whatever..
I didn’t respond after that. I didn’t see much point. He was obviously pissed at me. And really, if he was mad at me for celebrating a big birthday with a best friend of 6 years (when he hasn’t even known me a year), that’s a little pathetic in my opinion. There wasn’t anything I could do that would change his mind. And one of the guys in the group took my phone away from me at that point anyway.
I’d had like 4 drinks at this point – I could still function but I could definitely feel the alcohol.
But regardless of the alcohol I’d had, I still knew that the fact that I was drinking and he couldn’t was NOT my problem. I’d played absolutely no part in his alcohol consumption getting insanely out of control. That was an issue before I even met him.
I didn’t feel guilty by any means that I was out essentially getting drunk for the first time. It’s not something that I do with any frequency at all. A big night of drinking for me is usually all of 2 glasses of wine at home. Plus, the reason I was out that night was something that doesn’t happen often – the next time I have friends turning 21 is in late October. And I have no plans of getting drunk then. I’m just gonna go out with them and have maybe 2 drinks at most.
But the real issue I have here is that he was upset with me because I can drink and he can’t. It’s not my fault he was an alcoholic. I understand that you shouldn’t make a big deal out of being able to drink to someone in AA, but just telling them that you’re drinking the next couple nights because it’s a friend’s 21st birthday shouldn’t cause that big an issue – especially when they’ve told you to have fun.
The people I talked to about it already say he overreacted – I wasn’t in the wrong to be excited about my weekend. Nor was his alcoholism my fault.
Sweetheart, depression hurts. It hurts bad. Some days are worse than others, and some are intolerable. Especially when I’m all alone and I want so strongly to do something, but my brain tells me to stay where I are and be sad instead.
It’s even worse when I have someone I love worrying about me and trying their best to help, but I just can’t. Leaving the house? Impossible. Taking a shower? Forget it. Putting on actual clothes (that aren’t pajamas)? I can’t imagine it. Admit I need help? Ha, you’re funny.
I have next to no attention span (unless I’m watching one of my three shows). I rarely have energy to do more than I have to. I feel like I’m doing things wrong. I feel like I’m stuck and can’t go anywhere. I frequently see the potential negative aspect of situations. I have so much trouble falling asleep at night. Even when I got enough sleep a night I’m still tired during the day. I snap at people for the smallest things. I constantly fidget. I’m pushing myself to read and write so I’m not just doing nothing all day. I don’t want to have sex. My eating goes to one extreme or the other. My head hurts. My stomach keeps cramping. I’ve got a knot in my shoulder that won’t go away. My emotions tend to level out pretty low, I constantly feel down, or I don’t feel much of anything. I’ve thought about suicide, albeit not too recently, and had a couple dreams about it, but I’ve never made an attempt to do anything.
The times I do force myself to leave the house, I end up pasting a fake smile on my face and acting like I’m okay. Doing that kills me, but it keeps things less complicated with people who don’t know that I was diagnosed. Or at least I can’t remember if they know that I was. Keeping people in the dark is so much more often easier than to let them into this world. But dragging someone into it would mean letting them past the walls that I’ve worked so hard to build in order to keep people out.
I know it probably seems strange to call depression its own world, but it honestly is. Functioning in reality isn’t something that those who suffer from mental illness can do with ease most times. Whether it be because of asshole neurotransmitters in your brain telling you that you should just stay home because you’re worthless, or because of crippling anxiety, or paranoia, or whatever the reason may be. It’s not something that everyone understands, and yet we try to make people understand. Even if they’re not willing, and don’t believe it unless it’s something that they can see.
Unfortunately, for most of us, mental illness isn’t something that others can physically see just by looking at our bodies. It’s mental. It’s in our minds. Yes, there may be physical manifestations but they’re not always obvious. Shallow breathing that comes with anxiety/panic attacks? It’s not exactly easily seen, but it pains the body as well as zaps your energy and strength. Shaking/trembling hands? It can be hidden with hands in pockets or bracing hands against something.
The racing thoughts, the stomach knots, the walls closing in, the deathly need to flee. None of these things are visible, but they come with living daily with a mental illness. When it comes to facing every day, we have two choices: 1) just get through today and know that you have another chance to fight harder tomorrow and 2) push yourself to do what you don’t really want to do but need to. The second option is going to leave you drained, both emotionally and probably physically, but it’s going to make tomorrow just a little easier.
When I finally have a family of my own, things are going to be so vastly different from the way they have been and still are now with my parents…
I won’t allow my husband to completely ignore the dishes for no reason – I’m not the only one doing dishes. If they’re left overnight from dinner, that’s fine. But things sitting there for days on end will result in me telling him to get off his lazy ass and do something about it.
Cooking dinner will also be a shared responsibility. Yes, one of us will probably do more of the work on a given night, but the other won’t abandon them in the kitchen.
The news will not be on every night just because. I won’t have it. Because honestly, the news pisses me off to no end. [My mom and I refer to them as the talking heads when my dad turns the news on.]
I expect him to help out with our kids. Be that homework, or sports, or activities with friends. Maybe even an occasional daddy-daughter/father-son date – whatever that entails for that child.
I want there to be one dedicated night every week (that can change week-to-week) where we sit down and just talk about anything. Exciting – or dreaded – things happening at work, plans with friends, what we want to do for our next date, a dinner we want to make. Or something that’s bugging us.
We’ll set up an email address for our children when they’re born and send them all kinds of different things (pictures, things they say growing up, stories, copies of certificates, etc.) over the years. Then when they turn 18, they’ll be given the password.
We’ll take pictures all throughout pregnancy and make a scrapbook out of it all. Even if it’s just online somewhere and for our own sake.
We will photograph our children on their first and last day of school every year. I want to be able to look at pictures and see how much they changed over the school year/summer.
We’ll observe birthdays, anniversaries, etc. when they happen, even if it’s in the middle of the week – things won’t be put off till the weekend just because it’s more convenient.
Tattoos won’t be banned (hell, I already have one) but discussed before they’re gotten.
Our kids will grow up not babied and molly-coddled. They’ll know we’re keeping an eye on them, but mommy and daddy have things they need to do.
It was an early morning for me. Not really sure why. It just kinda was. I was awake at 06:30 and couldn’t get back to sleep. So I scrolled through Instagram, and Twitter, and Facebook, and Tumblr and Pinterest – all while talking to one of my best friends. While I know that I’m gonna be tired later after being up then, I don’t regret it in the least. An early morning spent talking to someone I love as I slowly wake up isn’t something I get too often. It felt good. Granted, I don’t think I’ll be waking up that early every morning just so I can talk to them.
Later this morning, I’m meeting a friend at Starbucks. We haven’t hung out in forever. She’s starting college this month! I swear she was just a seventh grader a couple months ago…
I’m also hoping I can take my bike up to where I bought it from for a tune – but there needs to be enough air in the tires for me to do that.