Weekend Parties

Yesterday was a friend and her twin sister’s birthday party. Their 21st birthday in fact. So I went out there early to help set up and hang out with E and get ready before H came back from an early dinner at the Melting Pot.

Things were pretty crazy once people started showing up. Pizza showed up while girls were gathered in a bedroom doing makeup. My boyfriend showed up and joined us for a few before going to see the guys I think. Eventually after we’d all eaten and everyone was done with makeup, we headed to the bowling alley on the military base. The cosmic bowling was a blast! It wasn’t fully in motion when we got there, but when the rainbow lights come on down at the pins, my mind was blown. I had never seen anything like that before.

When we came back to their house for a fire pit and cake around 11pm, But I had a migraine, so I went to lay down in the guest room. And my boyfriend came with me. I told him he didn’t have to, but he wanted to make sure I was ok. I didn’t fight him on it cause one, I didn’t have the energy for that, and two, I kinda liked the fact that he would rather sit with me and be with the rest of the party.

I eventually came out and joined everyone else shortly after midnight. I made myself some hot tea along with another girl who was staying the night. We all sat around talking and playing games. Eventually we pulled H’s hamster out of her cage and put in in the exercise ball and brought her down stairs. Somewhere around 2am I was laying down on the couch with the ball in my hand and just passed out. I woke up in the morning and my first thought was, “OH NO! MUNCHKIN!” I found out later that E had taken it back upstairs after I’d fallen asleep.

I had breakfast with H and a couple other people who’d stayed the night and had a couple cups of coffee. E had to go to work so she was already gone. H left for work shortly after breakfast and the other people left for home. I hung around and helped mom with whatever I could to clean up.

Then I caught the metro back home so I could make it to handbells in time. Yup, that was my weekend. It was actually pretty fun.

Trying to Save My Sanity

Those days where you look outside and the weather matches your mood? Today is one of those days. It’s chilly and rainy and horridly dreary outside. And I’m feeling pretty crappy today. I’m not quite sure why, but I am. And that’s really just the way it goes sometimes.

Maybe I’m missing someone.
Maybe I just woke up on the wrong side of the day.
Maybe I’m dreading the math test I was supposed to take today – but forgot my exam pass and wallet so I can’t take it now, which means I have to come back today or tomorrow to take it.
Maybe I’m just simply having a bad day – and it’s 2pm so that’s possible.

I don’t have the answer. But that’s ok.

What sounds good right now is: curling up at home in the library, under a blanket, with a mug of vanilla chai, with a book to read. Yes, that really is what today makes me want to do. But I’m stuck at school. 14 hours on campus. It makes for some long days.

I may go through books on my kindle and see if I can find something to read. I’ve got plenty there – it’s just a matter of choosing one and starting to read.

I really don’t know what I’m trying to accomplish here, with this post, but I needed something to do, so this is what I came up with. Sure, I could be doing a million other things. However, there a words/thoughts flying around in my brain preventing me from truly focusing on anything besides releasing anything else.

My partner and I did our presentation in deaf culture that was supposed to be done on Monday. There were all kinds of technical difficulties that prevented more than one and a half groups from going. But oh well. I’m done now and that’s all that matters to me.

I ran into someone from church after my class finished and walked with her to her next class. Next Monday she said I’m welcome to come hang out with her and she’ll take a break from grading papers for a bit to chat. So that’ll be something different. And it’ll give me a chance to do something else besides homework or blogging in my massive gap between classes.

Long Days

Being at school 14 hours straight makes for a very long day. It’s not easy finding ways to keep busy all day long. There’s only so much school work I can do in one sitting. But then I’m tired of sitting where I am, so I have to go find somewhere else to work. And after a while I get tired of working on school stuff, so I’m forced to get creative: 

  • What YouTube videos haven’t I seen?
  • What (free) books am I interested in on Kindle?
  • What else can I add to my birthday/christmas list?
  • What blog posts haven’t I read yet?
  • Is there a blog post I could write for mine?

My online math class started yesterday, but I didn’t start it till today. It’s more than likely going to be the death of me. However, I’ve got a friend who’s willing to help me with stuff so hopefully I won’t get overwhelmed, drown, and fail the class. I know it’s gonna be a lot more work now on top of all my ASL classes, but that’s just the way college is.
I’m actually going to the school library tonight to start working on my math class. It’s gonna be a challenge/struggle for me because I’ve never taken an online class, much less an online math class.

I think part of my shortened attention span has to do with my depression – or at least I’ve read that that can be an issue. I’m hoping that my medication will help with that, but I don’t know for sure.

Last night was the first time I slept through the night since I started taking my medication. I don’t know if that’s a good thing, or if it was just a coincidence. I guess I’ll find out tonight/tomorrow after I’ve either woken up several times or barely remember falling asleep.

I’ve Got a Bumpy Road Ahead

This is just something that’s bugged me for a while, especially since I became a Stigma Fighter – Mental illness and medication and how people view it and why those who suffer tend to hide it.

I don’t understand why it’s treated/viewed as something that’s almost like the plague. People who suffer from mental illness can’t infect someone else with it. It’s not contagious. It’s a chemical imbalance in the brain, and sometimes people say it’s faulty wiring so that it makes sense to people. But we (people suffering with a mental illness) can’t give you just by association, or even by touching you. It doesn’t work that way. If you don’t have a chemical imbalance in your brain then there’s not really anything to worry about.
Of course, there is PTSD, but when you have that there’s a reason for that – you went through something – a car accident, a war, a shooting you witnessed, anything – and you have flashbacks and things set you off in ways you wouldn’t expect. That’s not something you caused either. It’s just the way your brain is reacting to that event. No, I don’t know what PTSD is like. But I know that someone who has it didn’t ask for it or do something to cause it.

The reason it’s been on my mind more recently is because I just went back on antidepressants yesterday. I hadn’t taken anything in over a year and thought I was doing ok, but recently it just got to the point that I couldn’t do it on my own anymore. I needed some kind of help. I had two options – medication or therapy. After the two therapists that I’ve been to, I’m really hesitant to willingly go back into therapy. They just weren’t good (for me) and I didn’t like them. I feel like those experiences have kind of marred me in a way. It’s difficult to push past those things right now, and my primary care isn’t pushing me to go to therapy luckily. I do have friends I can talk to and they’re supportive so I guess that’s enough for right now. As time goes on I guess we’ll see what’s needed.

I hesitate to tell some people that I’m back on them, or even that I’ve taken them at all. It’s just not something that they want to talk about. They hear that and automatically make judgements that may or may not be true. But it’s what they think and that’s just how they’re gonna see things.

The people I do trust enough to tell (which are a very select few) are almost always supportive and understanding. They may not know what it feels like because they don’t deal with the same things I do, but they know that it’s not something I made up for attention or brought on myself by doing something. They know that this happens to people and it just has to be dealt with in whatever means possible. Be that therapy, or medication, a combination of the two, or maybe something else.
I’ve done a combination of the two, and now I’m just doing medication. I don’t know if it’s going to work or not, but I’m kind of hoping it does. Because like I already said, I don’t really want to deal with therapy again.

There will be more updates and posts about this whole ordeal as time goes on. I know it’s not an easy road ahead of me. I know that. And I don’t particularly want to go down it because it’s not easy. But I also know that it’s a road I need to go down.

Something that makes it easier is knowing that it’s not a road I’m traveling alone. I have people beside me, behind me, and ahead of me. All rooting for me. Pulling me that last little bit I just can’t do on my own. Pushing me when they know I can do something and I don’t see how I can. They’re not doing it to torture me, even though it may seem that way in the moment. They’re doing it because they want to see me get better.

Medication Is Necessary … But Not Wanted

Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth letting myself shut down completely. I know it wouldn’t accomplish anything. But it’s just so appealing when I feel so incredibly low, or I’m really missing someone, and absolutely nothing helps.

Candles? No. Reading a book? No. Watching a movie? No. Taking a shower/bath? No. Mindlessly coloring? No. (Although that does sound somewhat good right now.) The only thing that seems like it would do anything to numb/help the pain is to sleep and ignore everything in the world.

But I never do let myself completely shut down. Really, it’s more that I can’t let myself do that. There are things that need to be done.

I talk to a friend about this kind of thing and I feel like it’s me trying to defend myself.

My friend told me, “Maybe you should, as I’ve said before, go get some help. You try and reach out but it’s going to be you who needs to get what you need to done. I can’t help you if you don’t want to help yourself. I’m not saying that what you have isn’t a real issue but there are steps you can take to help and seeing a doctor would be a good first step. I don’t know how well this will go over but if you were serious about getting help maybe you should start looking for it…”

I know they mean well when they imply that I need more help than I have right now, they really do, but it still hurts. I just have this issue where I don’t want to feel like I have to depend on medication to be able to function like I should. And I think I’ve told them that before.

But maybe they’re right though, maybe I can’t do this on my own anymore. I’ve been trying for so long to do it on my own, but maybe I just can’t. Maybe I do need to be back on an anti-depressant. Maybe this fight is too much for me to take on single-handedly, even if I do have people supporting me. I’ve hit the point where I’m so used to pushing forward and just sucking it up that I don’t know what’s too much. But I can’t do that anymore.

Only so much can be done without chemical intervention. And I think I’m at the point that I need it. I honestly do. I’m not saying this because of what my friend said. I’m saying it because what they said what the kick-in-the-butt realization that I needed.

Honestly though, part of why I’ve avoided medication for so long is because it’s a process of trial and error. I hate it.

  • I go in one appt and get a prescription,
  • I get it filled,
  • I take it,
  • I go back for another appt 3 weeks later,
  • it’s not working or I can’t handle the side effects,
  • I get a new prescription,
  • I get that one filled,
  • I take it,
  • I go back for another appt 3 weeks later,
  • it’s not working either,
  • I get a new prescription again,
  • I get it filled,
  • I take it,
  • I go back 3 weeks later

The cycle continues for who knows how long. It just keeps going until the right medication is finally found. It could take up to a year  – and it would absolutely suck if it did.

Just sitting here thinking about being back on medication, I don’t really know what to expect. I haven’t taken any medications in well over a year. I just remember the first medication I took giving me headaches everyday and making me really tired and eventually (in the three weeks I took it) leaving me feeling numb. I don’t want that again. But unfortunately that’s what can happen when you’re trying to find the right medication.

I don’t want to do this. I really don’t. But I need to. I really do. Because if I don’t, things are just going to get worse. And if that happens, I can’t even think about how things could turn out. It’s a terrifying thought. It really is. I’ve heard stories about people who denied help and denied it till they were so incapacitated that they couldn’t fight anymore. They think it’s just not worth the fight so they let themselves be overtaken because fighting takes too much effort.

I know that even though I don’t really want to go back on anti-depressants, mostly because of the trial-and-error process of finding one that works, I have enough left in me to fight. But only with the support of people who care about me. And with them behind me and beside me and holding my hand, I can make it though this.

I know it won’t be easy, not by any means. However, I know that they people I have around me love me enough to hold on tight when I say I’m falling, and to pick me back up when I fall because I was too ashamed to speak up. No matter what happens, I know I’m gonna have them around me. And knowing who I have holding my hand all the way through this, I can’t give up. Not when I know what I mean to them, and what they mean to me.