CoffeeTattoos

Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth letting myself shut down completely. I know it wouldn’t accomplish anything. But it’s just so appealing when I feel so incredibly low, or I’m really missing someone, and absolutely nothing helps.

Candles? No. Reading a book? No. Watching a movie? No. Taking a shower/bath? No. Mindlessly coloring? No. (Although that does sound somewhat good right now.) The only thing that seems like it would do anything to numb/help the pain is to sleep and ignore everything in the world.

But I never do let myself completely shut down. Really, it’s more that I can’t let myself do that. There are things that need to be done.

I talk to a friend about this kind of thing and I feel like it’s me trying to defend myself.

My friend told me, “Maybe you should, as I’ve said before, go get some help. You try and reach out but it’s going to be you who needs to get what you need to done. I can’t help you if you don’t want to help yourself. I’m not saying that what you have isn’t a real issue but there are steps you can take to help and seeing a doctor would be a good first step. I don’t know how well this will go over but if you were serious about getting help maybe you should start looking for it…”

I know they mean well when they imply that I need more help than I have right now, they really do, but it still hurts. I just have this issue where I don’t want to feel like I have to depend on medication to be able to function like I should. And I think I’ve told them that before.

But maybe they’re right though, maybe I can’t do this on my own anymore. I’ve been trying for so long to do it on my own, but maybe I just can’t. Maybe I do need to be back on an anti-depressant. Maybe this fight is too much for me to take on single-handedly, even if I do have people supporting me. I’ve hit the point where I’m so used to pushing forward and just sucking it up that I don’t know what’s too much. But I can’t do that anymore.

Only so much can be done without chemical intervention. And I think I’m at the point that I need it. I honestly do. I’m not saying this because of what my friend said. I’m saying it because what they said what the kick-in-the-butt realization that I needed.

Honestly though, part of why I’ve avoided medication for so long is because it’s a process of trial and error. I hate it.

• I go in one appt and get a prescription,
• I get it filled,
• I take it,
• I go back for another appt 3 weeks later,
• it’s not working or I can’t handle the side effects,
• I get a new prescription,
• I get that one filled,
• I take it,
• I go back for another appt 3 weeks later,
• it’s not working either,
• I get a new prescription again,
• I get it filled,
• I take it,
• I go back 3 weeks later

The cycle continues for who knows how long. It just keeps going until the right medication is finally found. It could take up to a year  – and it would absolutely suck if it did.

Just sitting here thinking about being back on medication, I don’t really know what to expect. I haven’t taken any medications in well over a year. I just remember the first medication I took giving me headaches everyday and making me really tired and eventually (in the three weeks I took it) leaving me feeling numb. I don’t want that again. But unfortunately that’s what can happen when you’re trying to find the right medication.

I don’t want to do this. I really don’t. But I need to. I really do. Because if I don’t, things are just going to get worse. And if that happens, I can’t even think about how things could turn out. It’s a terrifying thought. It really is. I’ve heard stories about people who denied help and denied it till they were so incapacitated that they couldn’t fight anymore. They think it’s just not worth the fight so they let themselves be overtaken because fighting takes too much effort.

I know that even though I don’t really want to go back on anti-depressants, mostly because of the trial-and-error process of finding one that works, I have enough left in me to fight. But only with the support of people who care about me. And with them behind me and beside me and holding my hand, I can make it though this.

I know it won’t be easy, not by any means. However, I know that they people I have around me love me enough to hold on tight when I say I’m falling, and to pick me back up when I fall because I was too ashamed to speak up. No matter what happens, I know I’m gonna have them around me. And knowing who I have holding my hand all the way through this, I can’t give up. Not when I know what I mean to them, and what they mean to me.