Illness + Creature = Mental Picture Battle

Depression Demons
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Anxiety Aliens
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Bipolar Boogeymen
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Yes, each mental illness I deal with becomes a weird/evil creature with the same starting letter. I’m strange like that. But it makes me feel like I’m battling something I can picture.

If I didn’t do what I just said, I would feel like I’m battling someone with an invisibility cloak on. I can’t see them. I don’t know where they are. I can’t protect myself. I can’t rally the army and warn them of the coming attack.

But with these mental pictures,  I can stab at their hearts and cut limbs off and decapitate them. I feel like I can actually do something.

The war will never be over, but it will be one that I rise to victory with my army in battles.

Why Don’t You Understand?

I know it isn’t just me that this happens to. I feel like sometimes people don’t understand why something is important to me. It’s almost as if because it’s not important to them, they feel like they don’t even need to ask questions about it.

I had a situation like this happen to me earlier today.

I’m working on the Stigma Fighters book and I asked someone if he thought it was a good thing for me. He said that in a way it is. So of course I asked him what he thought the negative side is. He replied that “[I] still don’t have much figured out and that [I’m] still having issues with depression”. He doesn’t “see a progression coming from it”, he doesn’t “see a future coming from it”, he feels like “it will just be a dead end”.

After talking with another friend about it, I can see how the issues with depression make more sense now. She pointed out how I could put the work before myself and not do the things that I need to in order to take care of myself. And while I do understand that, having things to do and focus on is a good thing for me.

I want them to be excited for me and they’re not. They see the possibility of this not going anywhere. And I’m afraid of that as well. Yes, this whole thing could fall flat on its face and we won’t be able to pick it back up. It could also be a huge success. I can’t let that fear of failure stand in the way of my trying. If fear of failure had prevented people from trying new things, we would probably still be living in caves with only fires for light and warmth.

I want them to be excited for me. I want them to ask me questions if they don’t know something or don’t understand it. I want them to support me in what I’m doing.

Their fears of this project failing bleeds over into my thoughts. While I think this is really going somewhere, I have that fear of it crashing and burning. And their hesitations about it only amplify my fear. I’m trying not to let it affect me too much because I really do believe in this project. I wouldn’t be putting all this time and effort into it if I didn’t.

There are so many other people who believe in it and want to see it become what our dreams for it are. We want to get to the point that we can do the college campus tour. We want to be able to go overseas to the places where some of our foreign participants and supporters are. There are so many dreams we have, and we know that we can achieve those dreams in time.

It’s just frustrating, because I see the huge positive potential that there is for this, but they only seem to see the negatives. It hurts me because while they want to protect me, they’re also making me begin to think that maybe this isn’t going to be a success…

If you have doubts about what I’m working on and want to express them to me, please do it in a way that isn’t quite so negative. You can tell me your worried, but also tell me that you support me in what I’m doing.

That’s what I really need.

To know that people I love are supporting me in this big, scary, exciting project that I’ve jumped into.

Immortality-Fear-of-the-Dark

Stigma Fighters: The Book

So, yesterday I mentioned my idea to make Stigma Fighters into a book. Then last night I talked to Sarah Fader about it and it’s happening. Stigma Fighters is becoming a book!

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Currently we’re compiling everyone’s essays for editing. The deadline to send things in is January 1st.

I started working on all of the editing this morning. In reading all of the essays that everyone have written I had forgotten how interesting everything was. I mean, I read them all as they were posted but I didn’t remember every little detail. It would be impossible to retain everything they expressed in their work.

The editing process is a new thing for me. I’ve never done this before. It’s honestly quite scary and overwhelming, but I’m excited about it.

If you receive a message from me asking you to look at certain parts of your essay, please do not take it personally. Sarah and I are simply trying to make this the absolute best that we can.

I am so incredibly excited about everything that we’re doing. I can’t wait till it’s done and we have something we can show people. It’ll be especially exciting when we start our college campus tour.

This book would be the perfect thing to sell there. If students have one before Stigma Fighters come to their school, they could ask for a certain person to come speak. It would be amazing. They would have the opportunity to kind of help plan what the event at their school would be like.

If you have any questions, please email Sarah or myself at: sarahfader@gmail.com or mydnitezangel@gmail.com

I Had an Idea

Classes are over. I’m free for a month. What am I gonna do?

⇒ Well, I had an idea for Stigma Fighters. 


I thought about trying to put together like a book of all the articles people have written and submitted. It would be a really cool thing to do for some of the really big supporters of it.

Obviously I need to talk to Sarah about it before I can do anything. But I thought it would be good. Maybe we could even turn it into a true book one day too. I think it would be something awesome to do.

It would be an advertisement of what she stands for, and anyone who has participated.

Who would want a copy of it if I could somehow pull it off?

I Never Knew I Had These Feelings Inside Me

I try to keep myself moving because if I slow down, things get difficult and I all but give up. I know that I’m capable of doing all sorts of great things. My problem is that I don’t want to put forth the energy required.

I hear the voices in my head telling me horrible things. I start to believe them. For a while I do. I truly believe that I’m too ugly. Or too selfish. Or too fat. Or too immature. That I’ll never get where I want in life because of these things.

In my sleep, I dream of things coming in and taking my breath away. Never leaving marks, but I wake up gasping for air. I have horrible accidents playing through my mind when I wake up. Things like running off the road and into a tree. Or a car popping up out of nowhere and hitting me.

I don’t know how to make them stop. I want to but I feel powerless. I think that sleeping will make it all easier to deal with, but that’s where the dreams come from. I can’t keep myself focused long enough to really do anything productive when I’m awake. I end up watching unhealthy amounts of Netflix to keep my mind occupied with something simple.

Books don’t keep me sucked in like they used to because I actually have to put forth effort in order to get anything out of them. I’ve even sort of lost my affection for books recently. I know it’s wrong and I should talk to my doctor, but it just feels so stupid and overwhelming. It seems like something I should be able to fix on my own.

And the easy frustration that leads to crying. I don’t understand it. Where did it come from? It was never a problem lay time. I’ve never had to fight the tears so hard like this.

It’s all such a struggle for me that I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do because I’ve never been here before.

Support Systems – Creating and Using Them

I promise I didn’t mean to run away from my blog for almost two weeks. It just kind of happened. That’s what depression does to me. It forces me to leave the things that I used to love – or rather do love. It renders me weak and useless. Just a body moving through the necessary motions of the day, at the most minimal level. I’m trying to fix that, but it’s not easy.

There are things that I would love to do. Like go out and take walks, or find DIY crafts to do, or actually get into books again, or be able to keep up my blog more regularly. I’m hoping that once my medication is changed, it’ll be easier for me to get back to things that bring me a sense of joy or accomplishment.

Because, honestly, the medication I’m taking currently makes me feel like I’m detached and being pulled down into a world where I don’t know where anything is. i’m drowning in emotions that I don’t ever want to experience. I look up and I can see everyone moving on without me, as if I had never existed.

I lay in bed at night wishing I could fall asleep. Yearning for dreams, whatever they may bring. I don’t care if they’re stupidly happy, or weird like I’m on drugs, or horribly sad. I just want to fall asleep and dream something. Something that isn’t connected to my reality.

I know so many people who would just look at me and ask a question like “well why don’t you just be happy?” I would then look back at them with a painfully confused expression on my face and ask “do you really know what depression is?”

They would probably give the same generic answer that everyone does if they haven’t experienced it themselves. It’s so hard to explain what it’s really like and have someone understand. But I found a link for a video of a girl explaining depression to her mom who just doesn’t understand it that makes me want to hug her forever. And there’s also a blog that I discovered a couple years ago that describes depression through words and comics.

I knew I wasn’t alone on this horrible emotional battle, but that’s quite often how it felt. People around me didn’t understand it, and I didn’t have the words to express myself. I tell them how I feel when I’m alone, but they look at me as if I’m speaking some foreign language because I don’t look like that when I’m with them. Well, of course. I put on a front when I have to be around people because I don’t want them to look at me and know there’s something “wrong” with me.

Recently, I’ve been building a support system for myself because I know that I can’t do this on my own. I mean, I like to believe that I’m strong enough that I don’t need to reach out to other people when things are overwhelming, but I know that’s not the truth. No one can fight this battle alone. Absolutely no one. We’re not strong enough. So I’ve been trying to slowly, and carefully, let more friends in to be part of my support system.

While I may have that support system, I’m still hesitant to use it. There’s so much that I don’t know how to explain to people. I can’t seem to find the words to ask for help sometimes because I know the other person will ask what’s wrong and I don’t have an answer for them. And I’m petrified that when I say I don’t know what’s wrong they’ll say there’s nothing they can do for me.

Maybe my new year’s goal should be to be more open with my close friends about how I’m feeling. Because they can’t help me if they don’t know.