I try to keep myself moving because if I slow down, things get difficult and I all but give up. I know that I’m capable of doing all sorts of great things. My problem is that I don’t want to put forth the energy required.
I hear the voices in my head telling me horrible things. I start to believe them. For a while I do. I truly believe that I’m too ugly. Or too selfish. Or too fat. Or too immature. That I’ll never get where I want in life because of these things.
In my sleep, I dream of things coming in and taking my breath away. Never leaving marks, but I wake up gasping for air. I have horrible accidents playing through my mind when I wake up. Things like running off the road and into a tree. Or a car popping up out of nowhere and hitting me.
I don’t know how to make them stop. I want to but I feel powerless. I think that sleeping will make it all easier to deal with, but that’s where the dreams come from. I can’t keep myself focused long enough to really do anything productive when I’m awake. I end up watching unhealthy amounts of Netflix to keep my mind occupied with something simple.
Books don’t keep me sucked in like they used to because I actually have to put forth effort in order to get anything out of them. I’ve even sort of lost my affection for books recently. I know it’s wrong and I should talk to my doctor, but it just feels so stupid and overwhelming. It seems like something I should be able to fix on my own.
And the easy frustration that leads to crying. I don’t understand it. Where did it come from? It was never a problem lay time. I’ve never had to fight the tears so hard like this.
It’s all such a struggle for me that I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do because I’ve never been here before.