The mania is gone and so are the voices (mostly) but now something new is happening: I can’t get over what a crumby feeling being low is. Seriously, I don’t know how anybody does it.
It’s like now that one thing has been remedied, something new is stirring in the form of a big cloud over everything and I can’t seem to shake the feelings it provokes. What’s the point of all of this, who cares what happens, and, most unsettling, you should just die. I don’t want to listen to any of these, but they’re so persistent and make it hard to do anything; picking up a pencil feels like the most daunting task at times.
During times like these I know I have to do my best to fight the feelings. One thing that really helps is working out – spin class has become a great way for me to release any and all negative feelings. I’m throwing myself into my workouts these days, giving myself to the beat of the music and riding upwards of 20 miles on my bike. Yoga helps too, though I’m still fairly new to the art. I bend my body into ridiculous positions during Bikram, letting go of each violent thought as it comes to me with a determined bend of my leg or twist of my arm. The most important thing is that I’m not letting my feelings of defeat get the best of me.
My absolute favorite thing to do when I’m feeling hopeless used to be hitting the bar, but I’ve been sober almost 2 months now and that is just no an option for me anymore. I can’t – no, won’t drink about it. Staying sober helps me hold on to hope because it lets me know that I have will power and determination greater than any addiction or bad mood.
At the end of the day, I still struggle with feelings of hopelessness and doubt in myself, but I find ways to keep on keepin’ on – reminding me that though the road to recovery isn’t always smooth, it is one full of inevitable positivity and reward.
BIO: A lover of music and literature, Julia writes from the depths of her Schizoaffective-mind, in order to “make sense of it all,” drawing from [failed] personal experiences in lust, love, sobriety and emotional turmoil.
Julia lives in Baltimore, MD but prefers Vermont, and can be found unscrewing light bulbs from her ceiling (or “de-bugging”) while wearing YSL. She is the proud dog mom of Pitbull Lucy, and has a weakness for cupcakes.
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