always drinking coffee | forever dreaming about tattoos

I’m Enjoying Myself Right Now.. Am I Really Depressed?

I’22f4637m struggling.

There… I said it.

Getting up out of bed isn’t easy.
Getting dressed isn’t easy.
Reminding myself to eat isn’t easy.
Functioning like a normal person isn’t easy.

I don’t like this. I want to fight it off, but I can’t. I don’t have the energy for it. I’ve been like this for longer than want to admit. I don’t tell anyone because I don’t want to be a burden on them. I don’t tell people because I don’t like the feeling of knowing that people are worried about me.

I pretend to be okay all day long. I don’t want people to think there’s something wrong with me.

sad_emoticon_cryBut when I’m alone at night, when I know that everyone else has gone to bed. That’s when I take off the mask. That’s when I give up on trying to keep it together. Most nights I cry. I couldn’t tell you why if you asked. I just know that something’s wrong and I can’t do anything but cry.

I lay awake in my bed, under my blanket, unable to sleep. I turn on Netflix and find something to watch. Just to pass the time. I really don’t want to spend half the night just staring at the ceiling. I would rather have something to focus on than letting the thoughts roll around in my head. That can get to be dangerous. Especially because I start thinking about what would happen if I relapsed to self-harm.

The other night I was absolutely miserable. I was pretty sure that I was going to cry myself to sleep. I text a couple friends (one in NC and one in AL) but only one responded. So she and I talked for probably over an hour. I was telling her about how I basically don’t get hugs from anyone anymore. And I feel awkward asking for them, so most times I just keep my mouth shut and go without human contact. Which for me isn’t exactly easy, or comfortable. I was convinced that there’s something wrong with me. She kept telling me that there isn’t. I don’t think I ever fully believed her, or even do now.

That’s the thing when I’m struggling. I don’t believe things that people tell me. Even if somewhere inside me I know that they’re right.

I’m sinking back into myself. Isolating myself more and more. Completely faking it when I’m around people. Pretending like I’m enjoying myself. Laughing when I’m supposed to. It’s almost like I have to think about it. It’s more than the very minimal functioning that I want to do. The minimal functioning that I can get through and not feel completely exhausted.

resized_all-the-things-meme-generator-participate-in-all-the-class-discussions-f2ee6bSure, I have my moments where I really do enjoy myself. Like in my comparative linguistics class at school. The teacher is hilarious and down to earth, and all the other students come from all kinds of backgrounds so they have different perspectives. It’s so much fun to listen to the discussions even if I don’t really have anything to add. I chime in here and there, and discussions keep going.

It’s those moments when I question if I’m just making everything up. All the negative stuff that I’m dealing with. Is it all read? Or am I just imagining it? I mean, if I really am enjoying myself and having fun and laughing right now, is it seriously possible that I’m depressed?

Yes, it is. I’m what I like to call functionally depressed. I can still function, but I have my moments when I just can’t. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Everybody’s different. I have to keep reminding myself of that. There is no one uniform look for any mental illness. It’s possible to enjoy myself in a certain situation and be miserable half an hour later when I’m not there anymore.

I’m walking my path, not anyone else’s. What I go through is real. I can’t deny that. My story is my own. And I need to own that, however difficult it may be.

8 responses to “I’m Enjoying Myself Right Now.. Am I Really Depressed?”

  1. I’ve been there too. It happened to me in grad school and it was excruciating. I hope tomorrow is a little better, and the day after that. I hope you find what you need to make life less of a struggle. I hope you know you are not alone, and the world is better with you in it. Ask for hugs. Fuck those who think it’s weird. Everyone needs more hugs. It sound like depression to me. I could have a good day or a good week, but most of the time everything – from getting dressed to having a conversation to talking a walk – seemed difficult. It sucks. It really really sucks. But most of the time, somehow, it gets better. It got better for me. Walking and vitamins helped. I got off birth control, which helped. But mostly something just clicked and I felt better. My hopes that it gets better for you.

    1. I saw my psychiatrist today and we tweaked the dosage of my medication. I’m trying to get out and walk more, and I’m taking vitamins in addition to my meds. I’m on birth control, and honestly don’t plan on getting off of it any time soon – it’s not been a factor in anything. I’m hoping things start improving, at least a little, soon. Because I can’t handle much more feeling pathetic.

  2. You’re not alone Katy. I’ve been there, hell I still have episodes like that. It does get better, you will get better at managing things. I know what you mean about the hug thing too, there are times that I just want a hug. Keeping you in my thoughts.

    1. I’m hoping that with the medication adjustments today things will start to go uphill instead of down. As for hugs, I’m settling for curling up with my stuffed animals for right now

  3. “Functionally Depressed.” I like that… seems to perfectly describe the way I’ve been feeling lately as well.

    1. That’s the only way I can think of to describe myself because I can somehow function to a small degree while I’m depressed, even though I would much rather just be in my bed.

  4. Great blog, Katy. Sometimes I exhaust myself from faking it….for other people! So well said. Here’s a virtual hug for you [[💗]]

  5. Hi Katy, my name is Louise and just wanted you to know that there are so many of us that feel alone in a big crowd and no matter how many of us say you are not alone it doesn’t always take the feeling away. Please come and find me on Twitter at One Shoe Fits (yes only one shoe does fit!) you do not have to pretend or wear your mask with us we all understand. Xx

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About Me

Hello! Welcome! My name is Katy!
You can find me drinking coffee until it’s time for wine. Currently have 5 tattoos, but plans for more are in the works.
I’m a birthmom over 8 years post placement. I’ve been in a birthmom support group since November 2018, and will be leading my own come May 2023.
On Sunday mornings you can usually find me in the nursery or on the production team at church.
Various times throughout the year, you can find me staying with someone’s dog(s) while they’re away on a trip – so don’t be surprised if there are stories or pictures every so often.

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