When you’re feeling as low as I have lately, there’s really only one way you can go. And that’s up. You may feel like you’re not getting anywhere, even though you’re giving it everything you have. It may be taking time to process what happened to get you down where you are. But you know that you want to get back up and keep moving.
Honestly, that’s where I am. I don’t know how I slipped this low without noticing it at some point. I don’t have a clue what triggered it. That pisses me off. I hate being here and not knowing how or why I am. But as I sit writing this, and think about what my summer has looked like, I’m starting to come up with something that makes sense. That it has something to do with the fact that it’s summer, I’m home with my brother all day, and there’s not really a schedule to anything. I have nothing to do that can’t be put off till later in the day or even tomorrow.
The rest of my summer doesn’t stretch out much further – I have this week, a week at the beach, a bridal shower, a week at home, and then I’m back in classes.
Hopefully being back in classes will help with this constant feeling of being lost and pointless. I’ll have things to do, and people to talk to face-to-face instead of via words on a screen. And as I say this, I realize that part of having slipped to where I am is not really having social interaction with people besides my family. It’s isolating and, quite frankly, depressing. Having homework to do, projects to work on, textbooks to read – that kind of thing makes getting through the day easier.
I tried to keep up my posting through the summer, but as you’ve seen, I haven’t been very good at it. I’ve had 7 posts go up May-July. I only had one go up in June. One? Seriously? Looking at that makes me feel like I’ve failed with my blog. At one point I had a goal of one post per week, but I don’t think I was ever really able to keep up with that.
So now I don’t really have a goal for how frequent my posts are – I just want them to go up as often as I’m capable. I don’t think that’s ridiculous. It’s more realistic given what I’m dealing with.