I Don’t Know How

A wonderful friend of mine wrote this one night while struggling to deal with her daughter who was having a meltdown. It is exactly the way I picture myself when I have kids in the future.

Sometimes,

I just don’t know how to console you,

Reassure you that you have validity,

Not get impatient or angry when you disobey me,

Or allow you the amount of independence you claim you have.

Sometimes,

When your sweet little self

Shows her grown up attitude

I feel….

Defeated.

Small.
Inconsolable.
Panicked.

Like whatever comes out of my mouth is a bargaining chip

Or as if I said the most awkward thing one could say to a child.

Sometimes…

When we are not listening to one another,

My heart swells and fills with anxiety, and I can’t hear what you need.

My eyes cloud over and I get stuck in a foggy loop of emotions and tears. My voice raises and you cry harder.

Sometimes…

I feel incapable of saying what you want to hear,

Or finding a happy medium.

I dislike being cross and upset

But with you, most especially.

As you grow and become your own person, I see more and more of myself behind your eyes.

I want to give you the world,

Hear you giggle,

Watch you paint your universe in color.

But I am not a teacher like your daddy.

The ability to calm and sooth you is not inherent for me when I am upset.

For that, sweet child of mine, I must confess, troubles me deeply.

But we never go to bed angry,

And we will always talk it out until we are comfortable again.

This is my promise to you sweet girl.

I hope you understand.

I just want what’s best for you

Even if my version of that is not what others have in mind.

It’ll be you and me kid,

And we are going to rule the world!

Here’s a few pictures of my friend and her daughter:

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Side-by-side comparison of mother and daughter at around age 3

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A Few Adoption Misconceptions

I want to start off by apologizing for posting a day late. Things weren’t the greatest emotionally, and I didn’t want to put something up when I knew it wouldn’t be good quality.
But as I couldn’t sleep last night, I decided to pull this together and go ahead and share it a day late.


 

Adoption (as a whole).

Adoption is not what it used to be. The birthmother doesn’t just give her child away and never have contact with them or their adoptive family again. (Well, sometimes that happens, but that’s their choice.)

Now that majority of society seems to have a different opinion of birthmoms, we have closed, semi-open, and open adoptions.

Closed adoptions are pretty much what they sound like. Once the baby is born, the birthmom no longer has access to the child or the adoptive family. The door to that part of her life is closed.

Open adoption gives the birthmom (and birthfather) and the adoptive family access to contact each other as they wish. This contact could include, but is not limited to: emails, visits, texts, and phone calls. But even with that, you have to remember that every open adoption is going to look different.

Semi-open adoption is kind of like a middleground, a compromise, between the two. The birthmom and adoptive family are able to contact each other, but the contact must go through a third party or agency. If visits are involved, typically there is someone from said third party/agency present.

Birthmoms.

There are several misconceptions in society about women who make adoption plans for their children. A lot of them come from the fact that people don’t talk about this side of the adoption the same way that they they do the adoptive family’s side.

Not all birthmoms are drug addicts or alcoholics. Sometimes they’re just girls who aren’t ready to parent. They may just not in a position to take care of a child.

These ladies aren’t being selfish when making these adoption plans – they’re putting their son/daughter above themselves. They are more concerned with their child having everything they deserve than they are with what they want for themselves.

Despite what you may think because she gave up parental rights for her child, she does miss him/her. There’s no denying that she formed a bond of some kind during the nine months she carried her child.


There will be a second installment in this Adoption Misconceptions coming later in the future.

 

Silently Coping & Slowly Opening Up to a Few

I think the most lost I’ve felt, was after I lost someone very few people knew I had a relationship with. 

My emotions were all over the place. I felt like the roller coaster would never end. Tasks that should’ve been easy seemed like they were insurmountable. No one around me really understood what I was going through. And the one person who did, wouldn’t talk about it.

Writing didn’t really helps at the time because I couldn’t articulate what exactly I was feeling. I had lost this person, but because so few people knew about our relationship, the way I was feeling wasn’t really something they could wrap their head around. 

As time has gone on, I’ve slowly become less lost. But there are absolutely still days when I feel like part of me is missing. However, the truth, if I’m being honest, is that part of me IS missing because they were such an important part of my life. 

There isn’t any one certain thing that’s helped me to heal. I’ve just faced the tough days with as much grace and strength as I can. 

Sometimes that means watching Netflix for hours on end.

Sometimes that means staying in bed half the day.

Sometimes that means crying at the drop of a hat.

Sometimes that means escaping reality in books.

Sometimes that means I actually have words to express in writing – whether anyone reads those words is a different story though.

But now that I’ve started being more open about my story and experience, I’ve discovered that people will listen and sympathize even if they can’t ever understand what I’ve been through. And I’ve found an amazing community of people that act as a support system for me when I need them. So there are definitely days when I’m not so lonely now. 

I do still get lonely in my situation though because there’s no one who lives near me who understands. But those in my life who do their best to try and understand what I’ve gone through have definitely made the whole thing a lot easier.