always drinking coffee | forever dreaming about tattoos

Two-Thirds Through Insanity

I can’t believe my visit with my daughter on the 11th has already come and gone. I don’t know how it’s possible. Those two and a half hours went so fast. It’s like that time was just gone in the blink of an eye. 

She didn’t want anything to do with us on the “hike”, but then clung to us during lunch and at the playground. She would shy away from birthdad’s camera like the plague, but she constantly wanted me to take pictures of her with my phone. And I got some really good ones (see gallery).

She’s always pretty quiet in the beginning, but this seemed more than normal. I don’t know, maybe I’m crazy. Maybe it’s hard to tell when it’s been six months.

I had been talking to some friends in the adoption community a couple weeks earlier, and I mentioned out I’d been upset over feeling like I had no say in deciding what my daughter would call me and I didn’t like it. Looking back when talking with an adoptive mama on Instagram, I got caught up in the discussion and was overthinking our relationship. When it comes down to it, my daughter knows I’m birthmom and that’s what’s important. When she grows up, she can decide for herself what she wants to call me.

Nothing much has really happened between then and now. I was dogsitting the whole time.

Placement anniversary was this past Saturday though. I posted something on my Instagram stories about the day.

Watching birthdad hand her to adoptive dad with those words was heartwrenching. I mean, those words are so just so so heavy. And it’s been seared into my memory.

One response to “Two-Thirds Through Insanity”

  1. My daughter shortly after reunion asked if I thought open adoption would have been “easier”. I see and read these kind of experiences and yes maybe it would have been harder. But I would definitely choose the harder….if I would have had the choice, especially knowing what I know now. She wouldn’t have to wonder whether she was loved, or if she was forgotten. All the hard would have been worth it for her to know that. I have to believe it would have been better for me as well. 40 years was a long time to wonder, but God is a God of miracles and of restoration. 😍

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About Me

Hello! Welcome! My name is Katy!
You can find me drinking coffee until it’s time for wine. Currently have 5 tattoos, but plans for more are in the works.
I’m a birthmom over 8 years post placement. I’ve been in a birthmom support group since November 2018, and will be leading my own come May 2023.
On Sunday mornings you can usually find me in the nursery or on the production team at church.
Various times throughout the year, you can find me staying with someone’s dog(s) while they’re away on a trip – so don’t be surprised if there are stories or pictures every so often.

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